Like many people who have embraced the 21st Century, I almost exclusively by my music from iTunes. I find it very convenient. I can sample the music before I buy it - if only I could have done that when I was younger, I would have saved so much money on cds I only bought for like one good song. Also, given my awesome, yet specialized, taste in music, I can actually get artists that you may only find in large cd stores, which are inconvenient to go to.
However, I am not a fan of some of the artist bios and album descriptions that are on iTunes. I get that my taste in music is not mainstream, but that doesn't mean iTunes can be a jerk about the bands I love!
I am a big fan of punk music, particularly pop punk, in its various forms. Idk how many times I have read some not nice things about the genre from descriptions on iTunes. Like how the like to mention the genre has no range, and that band's album is surprisingly good given the limitations of the genre. To that, I say "Screw You!" A genre is only as limited as the artists chose to make it (and I think they are awesome, so bite me). Or maybe the iTunes editors are just limited in their exposure to the music, so they don't know what they are talking about. Booooooooo!!
Or like today, I purchased the Black Veil Brides "Wretched and Divine" album (because it's awesome!). And yes, eventually the editor got to just how good the music is and that the band is freaking awesome. But first, they have to take a dig at their appearance. After the long winded, and rather rude description of how the band presents itself physically, the praise of their music seems more back handed or incredulous. Frankly, I find this uber insulting. BVB has a very dedicated fan base (which is very much deserved, and one of the reason I checked their music out in the first place). An album description is not the place to make such insulting comments. Granted, if someone's music is bad, then make an objective observation of that. But don't be an ass hole just because you don't understand a style of music or an artist.
So basically, that's my rant. I get I don't listen to the most popular music, but for those of us that like it, we are very dedicated, perhaps more so than many other types of music. Maybe instead of letting their editors be uneducated douche bags, iTunes can actually hire someone to edit the info who's not lame. Instead, have someone who actually gets it make these descriptions, so at least they can be accurate, and give great music its fair dues.
:^P
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
But Really, Why Talk When No One Ever Listens?
***NOTE: Please don't read this if you honestly don't care. This is for me, not for you. I'd rather you keep your unconcern out of my business.***
I hate days like today - those days when I just feel crappy on the inside and I want to talk about, or worse, people see it on my face and ask about it. What I hate even more is that one of the biggest lessons I have learned in life is to not talk about your feelings, because 99.99% of the time, it's not worth it.
This is a crap dilemma to be in, too, because supposedly talking about things is supposed to make you feel better. Maybe that is true in the abstract, but in my case I find it difficult to find someone to talk to that actually doesn't make me feel worse.
The problem is a lot of people don't get it. People who have never lived with body chemistry that's an ass hole just don't get how it feels. And they don't even try to understand. They just don't grasp how some days, for no reason at all, or few a bunch of stupid reasons, I just am in a bad place emotionally. Sometimes just sending an email, having to deal with too many people, or even just running late can just tear me apart inside. And then suddenly the panic takes over, and my breathing is restricted, my heart pounds, I impulsively move my hands, and murmur stuff like "I hate my life" and "kill me now" all w/o really wanting or meaning to. The panic just takes over and my body just does it.
It's not like I can't control it eventually. Most of the attacks I have (which can be as often as a few times a week) are pretty small. I know to take deep breaths, and I try to listen to music to center me. I am also really (almost scarily so) at holding it all in when other people come around because I don't want them to know.
And I hate that. I hate that when I am having a terrible time, and I need some relief, that it inevitably gets worse because I have to deal with other people. Here's me: I get like this sometimes, and it sucks, and yeah maybe I dwell on things that happened in the past, or I worry too much. But it's not like I want to do this. I know objectively and rationally that the negativity I feel does not reflect the truth of me. I know that I am being over taken by panic. But what I don't need is the judgement. What I need is for someone, finally, to just @#%$ing listen.
Because the problem is, it never ends. I have been like this for as long as I can remember, and as it's the way I was born, to some extent this will be my life forever. And I have had to learn the hard way that I have to hold a lot of it in because many people, many of them people I care about a lot, just don't get and can't. I do have some people that I can open up to, but it's never really been all the way because I learn bit by bit that most people can't be trusted to get it. Even now, with some friends I am becoming better pals with, I am building up walls around parts of me because they've shown they can be trusted to give me the support and the understanding that I need.
It sucks so bad. I am literally sitting here thinking of friends that I have had in the past that got it, but that aren't close to me anymore. I have a friend, when we were in high school, was so understanding of when I felt like this (even when I didn't understand it then as I do now). She always knew how to be supportive and make me feel that someone cared. I had a best friend in college, whom I had a big falling out with like 7 years ago. I just think I've finally mourned the loss of that relationship, because no matter how badly it ended or how difficult she could be, I could always feel safe opening up to her.
I just wish sometimes that people really knew how hard it is, and hard it's been. If people really knew, really understood, I'd hope they'd see just how much of a trooper I am really am. I handle this way better than I ever had before. I went through the terrible phase, then I went through the seclusion/get it together phase, and I think now I am on the second phase of just figuring out how to do the day to day with what I know about me and what I have to carry with me. And I just wish people knew that. And I wish they knew that sometimes it gets too tough, and it takes so much to just get over it, alone and in the right way.
And maybe part of that is my fault, because I can't put it on the line and open up at the risk of everything falling apart. But I think I am ready, at least for myself, to start putting parts of the past into words. That way, I can keep it to know where I've been, but stop carrying it around. Although, it would be lighter if I could get some help carrying the burden.
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I hate days like today - those days when I just feel crappy on the inside and I want to talk about, or worse, people see it on my face and ask about it. What I hate even more is that one of the biggest lessons I have learned in life is to not talk about your feelings, because 99.99% of the time, it's not worth it.
This is a crap dilemma to be in, too, because supposedly talking about things is supposed to make you feel better. Maybe that is true in the abstract, but in my case I find it difficult to find someone to talk to that actually doesn't make me feel worse.
The problem is a lot of people don't get it. People who have never lived with body chemistry that's an ass hole just don't get how it feels. And they don't even try to understand. They just don't grasp how some days, for no reason at all, or few a bunch of stupid reasons, I just am in a bad place emotionally. Sometimes just sending an email, having to deal with too many people, or even just running late can just tear me apart inside. And then suddenly the panic takes over, and my breathing is restricted, my heart pounds, I impulsively move my hands, and murmur stuff like "I hate my life" and "kill me now" all w/o really wanting or meaning to. The panic just takes over and my body just does it.
It's not like I can't control it eventually. Most of the attacks I have (which can be as often as a few times a week) are pretty small. I know to take deep breaths, and I try to listen to music to center me. I am also really (almost scarily so) at holding it all in when other people come around because I don't want them to know.
And I hate that. I hate that when I am having a terrible time, and I need some relief, that it inevitably gets worse because I have to deal with other people. Here's me: I get like this sometimes, and it sucks, and yeah maybe I dwell on things that happened in the past, or I worry too much. But it's not like I want to do this. I know objectively and rationally that the negativity I feel does not reflect the truth of me. I know that I am being over taken by panic. But what I don't need is the judgement. What I need is for someone, finally, to just @#%$ing listen.
Because the problem is, it never ends. I have been like this for as long as I can remember, and as it's the way I was born, to some extent this will be my life forever. And I have had to learn the hard way that I have to hold a lot of it in because many people, many of them people I care about a lot, just don't get and can't. I do have some people that I can open up to, but it's never really been all the way because I learn bit by bit that most people can't be trusted to get it. Even now, with some friends I am becoming better pals with, I am building up walls around parts of me because they've shown they can be trusted to give me the support and the understanding that I need.
It sucks so bad. I am literally sitting here thinking of friends that I have had in the past that got it, but that aren't close to me anymore. I have a friend, when we were in high school, was so understanding of when I felt like this (even when I didn't understand it then as I do now). She always knew how to be supportive and make me feel that someone cared. I had a best friend in college, whom I had a big falling out with like 7 years ago. I just think I've finally mourned the loss of that relationship, because no matter how badly it ended or how difficult she could be, I could always feel safe opening up to her.
I just wish sometimes that people really knew how hard it is, and hard it's been. If people really knew, really understood, I'd hope they'd see just how much of a trooper I am really am. I handle this way better than I ever had before. I went through the terrible phase, then I went through the seclusion/get it together phase, and I think now I am on the second phase of just figuring out how to do the day to day with what I know about me and what I have to carry with me. And I just wish people knew that. And I wish they knew that sometimes it gets too tough, and it takes so much to just get over it, alone and in the right way.
And maybe part of that is my fault, because I can't put it on the line and open up at the risk of everything falling apart. But I think I am ready, at least for myself, to start putting parts of the past into words. That way, I can keep it to know where I've been, but stop carrying it around. Although, it would be lighter if I could get some help carrying the burden.
Monday, April 14, 2014
I've Got Issues Stuck in My Head
So, I'm thinking the title of this post is misleading...aaaaaaaaand it may have been on purpose. See, by "Issues" I mean this awesome band that I love, and so by "Stuck in My Head" I mean I have their various songs playing in my head. And I've got the music stuck in my car stereo, and stuck on my iPod. It's amazing how many times I've listen to the music in the last 2-3 months.
I love new music. I am always on the listen to add something new to my music collection, whether it's a new band, or an old band, or an old band's new album. And even though many people may not share my musical tastes, I think they can understand the sentiment. I discover bands in different ways. For example, I like to buy compilation albums for genres I like and I follow Alternative Press (love them!!).
And that's basically how I discovered Issues. The first time I heard them (I only realized later) was on the 2013 released Punk Goes Christmas. They did an exceptional cover of "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays." As a '90s boy band aficionado, and a huge N'SYNC fan, I thought this was pretty epic. And I like the other little song snippet they threw in there for flavor. (My cousin/roommate caught it and thought it was awesome). Take a listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hpx2iJfy554
Now, after hearing this, I thought for sure that I had heard some of their other music before. With the number of compilation songs I get, it sometimes becomes hard to remember the artist and song title for all the random songs. But when I actually checked my music collection, turns out I didn't know any of their other music. I had only heard about them and how awesome they are from following AP.
It turns out that it's pretty obvious I hadn't heard anything else by them, b/c if I had I would have been "OMG, I NEED this music" much sooner. AP released their Most Anticipated Music of the Year issue, so of course I got it. I wanted to see who I know is releasing music in 2014, and who I may need to try out b/c they're awesome enough to be in the issue. And in this issue was Issues.
At that point I realized I just had to check them out iTunes. This was in January, before their full length album release when there was only the Black Diamonds EP and a couple other songs. I admit, I was a little hesitant at first, because I was only just recently coming around to liking an extreme mix of the loud rock w/ other genres. So, I was both curious and cautious about Issues' mix of metalcore w/ peppy, top 40s music. But I came around to love soon enough, somewhere around track 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P9iakgFD7hI
Once I heard this song, I was pretty much hooked and had to buy all the songs! And then once the full album came out I had to buy that too, sound unheard, which means a lot in Dayna music buying land, because I only buy music from a few select bands w/o listening to it first. So, now I have enough song for a decent sized playlist and to get me all the way to work in the morning.
I love this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iK8qFw7pOD0
And even though most of the rest of the song doesn't pertain to me, I find the first couple of lines come to mind lately. >_< Same sentiment with this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTvcW_s0FCo
And the first single is pretty epic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nn55oxf6gCg
I love how it's very loud, and then gets the R&B break down toward the end. And this one is a kind of guilty pleasure: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSRalkLkWjY
I can't decide when I drive with the windows down if I want to turn the volume down or up. Muahaha.
In my quieter, more introspective moments, I find myself asking "Dear sad ghost, why'd you put your heart on a shelf." That's pretty darn poignant, if you ask me. *sigh* Aaaaaaaaand now I have that last video song in my head. On that note...
I love new music. I am always on the listen to add something new to my music collection, whether it's a new band, or an old band, or an old band's new album. And even though many people may not share my musical tastes, I think they can understand the sentiment. I discover bands in different ways. For example, I like to buy compilation albums for genres I like and I follow Alternative Press (love them!!).
And that's basically how I discovered Issues. The first time I heard them (I only realized later) was on the 2013 released Punk Goes Christmas. They did an exceptional cover of "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays." As a '90s boy band aficionado, and a huge N'SYNC fan, I thought this was pretty epic. And I like the other little song snippet they threw in there for flavor. (My cousin/roommate caught it and thought it was awesome). Take a listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hpx2iJfy554
Now, after hearing this, I thought for sure that I had heard some of their other music before. With the number of compilation songs I get, it sometimes becomes hard to remember the artist and song title for all the random songs. But when I actually checked my music collection, turns out I didn't know any of their other music. I had only heard about them and how awesome they are from following AP.
It turns out that it's pretty obvious I hadn't heard anything else by them, b/c if I had I would have been "OMG, I NEED this music" much sooner. AP released their Most Anticipated Music of the Year issue, so of course I got it. I wanted to see who I know is releasing music in 2014, and who I may need to try out b/c they're awesome enough to be in the issue. And in this issue was Issues.
At that point I realized I just had to check them out iTunes. This was in January, before their full length album release when there was only the Black Diamonds EP and a couple other songs. I admit, I was a little hesitant at first, because I was only just recently coming around to liking an extreme mix of the loud rock w/ other genres. So, I was both curious and cautious about Issues' mix of metalcore w/ peppy, top 40s music. But I came around to love soon enough, somewhere around track 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P9iakgFD7hI
Once I heard this song, I was pretty much hooked and had to buy all the songs! And then once the full album came out I had to buy that too, sound unheard, which means a lot in Dayna music buying land, because I only buy music from a few select bands w/o listening to it first. So, now I have enough song for a decent sized playlist and to get me all the way to work in the morning.
I love this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iK8qFw7pOD0
And even though most of the rest of the song doesn't pertain to me, I find the first couple of lines come to mind lately. >_< Same sentiment with this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTvcW_s0FCo
And the first single is pretty epic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nn55oxf6gCg
I love how it's very loud, and then gets the R&B break down toward the end. And this one is a kind of guilty pleasure: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSRalkLkWjY
I can't decide when I drive with the windows down if I want to turn the volume down or up. Muahaha.
In my quieter, more introspective moments, I find myself asking "Dear sad ghost, why'd you put your heart on a shelf." That's pretty darn poignant, if you ask me. *sigh* Aaaaaaaaand now I have that last video song in my head. On that note...
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
The Only Thing to Fear...
I think it's interesting the thoughts that lead to me actually taking the time to write something down. Like how just now I suddenly got inspiration, just from doing what I've been doing all day - thinking about yesterday.
Yesterday wasn't particularly special, except that it's one of the rare days when the whole department gets together in one place for a meeting. I like it b/c I get to see people I don't talk to very often. We're a great bunch of people.
While there yesterday, I was asked by one of our newer coworkers about one of our previous meetings - where I was asked by our head honcho get up in front of everyone and sing. I'm not really a singing in public kind of person. Even my closest friends and family don't hear me sing very often, b/c I get super anxious about it and only sing alone.
So, she asked me how I could do it, get in front of a large group of people and sing. I of course said it was b/c the boss asked and I couldn't say no. And yes, that's part of the answer - he's a great leader and I wanted to be down for mixing it up a little and showing off some talent. But thinking about it just now, I realized there's something more to it. It's really more about me and how I deal with fear.
Okay, so maybe it's not so much fear. I think of fear more as scary crap like watching horror movies or walking to your car late at night w/ sketchy people around. Really, it's more nerves or anxiety. That's really what it is, right? Like stage fright - that's anxiety. Or maybe not for everyone. I just know for me I have anxiety, and for me that "fear" is just my anxiety being a douche.
The thing is that I get anxious over a LOT of things. Examples would be talking to new people, taking on a new task, being put on the spot, flying, even that moment when the green light has been green too long and it could turn red and I'm neither far enough away to easily nor close enough to run a yellow safely. And you can definitely add singing in front of anyone to that list. I even get really nervous in front of just a couple close friends.
But when it comes to anything that makes me anxious, no matter how diverse and expansive the list of things is, I deal with the anxiety in one way. Okay, part of that way is freaking out beforehand. I'll admit it - I spend a lot of time before something new (or during it when alone) just worrying the crap about it. I can't help it. As much as my anxiety can be a psychological thing, a lot of it is physiological. Sometimes my body just reacts anxiously w/o asking what I'm doing mentally. I've been completely logically fine with something while my body freaks out. :P
And with that happening, the worrying and jitters and hearting pounding and throat constricting, I could easily just say screw it, and never do anything. But I don't. As much as I hate my anxiety, and as much as it drives me crazy, I fight it every step of the way. I know from lots of experience that things usually don't turn out as bad as I worry they will. And often then turn out well. I have faith in what I can do, and the hardest part really is just pushing myself past the anxiety and just do whatever it is. There have even be times when I pushed past and it sucked. But the next time I just try again and I found overcoming anxiety when I've already had a bad experience feels even better than overcoming anxiety in the face of the unknown.
So, how did I get in front of a large group of coworkers and sing? I did it the way I do a lot of things - I did it the same way I started a new job in unfamiliar field - I just showed up and did it.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
My "Fake It Til I Make It" List; or Quality Auditing My Life
It's month 3 of 2014 and I've noticed two big things about how I feel about life now compared to 2013. 1st, I am definitely in a much better place factually than I was last year, but 2nd I am still experiencing the side effects of the emotional turmoil that was 2013. Oh, and a 3rd thing I realized was that sitting around doing nothing to feel more positive wasn't really going to do much. I was caught in an actual Catch 22: I needed to feel happier to do more activities in my life, but I needed more activities in my life to make me feel happier.
Here's the rundown of what's what from last year. I spent the 1st six months of 2013 stressing (in an increasingly intense way) about getting a permanent full-time job. Having graduated in 2012, I was going on 1 year w/o anything, not to mention I had no idea what I wanted to do so that increased the stress. What if I never found anything b/c I couldn't make up my mind? And what if I got a job and I hated it more than I've ever hated anything in the world?
But then July came along and I got a job offer, but also got to spend one glorious, stress-free month of doing whatever I wanted w/o having to complete job applications. I loved July 2013 for that. I did some serious amount of writing for the first time ever, I read three weighty books, and spent a lot of time relaxing doing nothing.
But then that obviously had to end. I have to say that overall, I really like my job and what I hope it's going to be. Plus I work w/ some amazing people, which is way better than I would have hoped. However, any new situation comes with new challenges, and no matter how great things can be there are always one or two sour grapes, or situations that randomly arise to just make you miserable. I learned a lot at one point about asserting myself (and about realizing once again that I have to trust my instincts b/c experience doesn't always make the other person right). And then I was pretty much miserable from Thanksgiving until after New Years. Plus, not to mention that fact I was SUPER busy w/ so much work to do. All in all, this combined to be a time when I did very little else other than work and then veg at home. Many of my favorite things went by the way side b/c I just didn't feel like it.
So, in an effort to bring some positive vibes, to get back into some other hobbies, and to overall increase the wellness of me, I have decided to do something proactive. No more sitting around waiting to suddenly be more happy. Of course, being me, I need something concrete to keep me on track. That is why I decided to make a list of all the things I want to do during the week to keep those things on my mind. I call it my "Fake It Til I Make It" list b/c I don't really feel motivated, or healthy, or confident, or "insert random adjective here," and this list is a way for me to mechanically perform all of the things I should want to do until I get into the habit and feel positive about everything. I also see it was a quality audit b/c I am going to keep a spreadsheet where I will assign the activities points, and not completing activities will lower my daily and weekly scores.
You may be wondering, what's on this list? Well, first know that I intend this to be a dynamic list, so that as I go along I can add things that I think need to be in my day/week, and remove things that I either no longer need to do or do on my own w/o needing the reminder. I will have the items set up some on a daily basis and some on a weekly basis. (And don't judge me for this - my job may have taken over too many parts of my brain, hehehe)
W/o revealing EVERYTHING, the daily items would be like: floss (since I am a spotty flosser), put on lotion (since sometimes I get too dry skin), write (because I love writing but I have a hard time being motivated to take the time), eat healthy all day, no sweets (b/c I need a separate item to deal w/ my sugar cravings). The daily list is a way to curb my bad habits and encourage good habits.
Except for the daily writing requirement, the weekly items will be the items more geared toward emotional and mental positivity, instead of more focused on physical aspects. So far there are only two items on this list, but I find them to be the most difficult and probably most important. The 1st one is to once a week do something fun outside of the house. I find that when I've had a busy week, all I want to do is veg over the weekend. But then I don't really feel more positive when wasting the weekend this way. I just want the weekend to last longer. Instead, I find having a fun activity gives me something to look forward to and usually makes me feel better than if I had stayed home.
The 2nd item on the weekly list is to once a week sing in front of someone else. There are a number of reasons why I think this is important. Singing is one of my favorite things to do, yet it's extremely rare when other people actually get to listen. Also, this will help me with dealing with my anxiety. I worry so much that I will do bad or people won't like my singing that I don't sing in public, but if I can have some positive experiences despite the anxiety, I can use that for other aspects of life. I can't continue worrying that people are going to think I am a terrible singer, and then I would have to never do it again and lose a favorite activity just b/c I couldn't handle knowing people think I am bad. That won't happen and I need to squash those negative thoughts. Lastly, just singing alone in my kitchen, I am reminded of just how great it feels to belt it out. Not only do I enjoy hearing myself just belt it, but I feel good as the body chemicals rush through me. If I could just sing more in public, I could get this positive rush more, since I don't get to be alone too often.
So, that's that - my attempt at being a happier, healthier me. Who knows how long this will last, but I like the idea. And hey, it got me to write this post, so it's working already!
Here's the rundown of what's what from last year. I spent the 1st six months of 2013 stressing (in an increasingly intense way) about getting a permanent full-time job. Having graduated in 2012, I was going on 1 year w/o anything, not to mention I had no idea what I wanted to do so that increased the stress. What if I never found anything b/c I couldn't make up my mind? And what if I got a job and I hated it more than I've ever hated anything in the world?
But then July came along and I got a job offer, but also got to spend one glorious, stress-free month of doing whatever I wanted w/o having to complete job applications. I loved July 2013 for that. I did some serious amount of writing for the first time ever, I read three weighty books, and spent a lot of time relaxing doing nothing.
But then that obviously had to end. I have to say that overall, I really like my job and what I hope it's going to be. Plus I work w/ some amazing people, which is way better than I would have hoped. However, any new situation comes with new challenges, and no matter how great things can be there are always one or two sour grapes, or situations that randomly arise to just make you miserable. I learned a lot at one point about asserting myself (and about realizing once again that I have to trust my instincts b/c experience doesn't always make the other person right). And then I was pretty much miserable from Thanksgiving until after New Years. Plus, not to mention that fact I was SUPER busy w/ so much work to do. All in all, this combined to be a time when I did very little else other than work and then veg at home. Many of my favorite things went by the way side b/c I just didn't feel like it.
So, in an effort to bring some positive vibes, to get back into some other hobbies, and to overall increase the wellness of me, I have decided to do something proactive. No more sitting around waiting to suddenly be more happy. Of course, being me, I need something concrete to keep me on track. That is why I decided to make a list of all the things I want to do during the week to keep those things on my mind. I call it my "Fake It Til I Make It" list b/c I don't really feel motivated, or healthy, or confident, or "insert random adjective here," and this list is a way for me to mechanically perform all of the things I should want to do until I get into the habit and feel positive about everything. I also see it was a quality audit b/c I am going to keep a spreadsheet where I will assign the activities points, and not completing activities will lower my daily and weekly scores.
You may be wondering, what's on this list? Well, first know that I intend this to be a dynamic list, so that as I go along I can add things that I think need to be in my day/week, and remove things that I either no longer need to do or do on my own w/o needing the reminder. I will have the items set up some on a daily basis and some on a weekly basis. (And don't judge me for this - my job may have taken over too many parts of my brain, hehehe)
W/o revealing EVERYTHING, the daily items would be like: floss (since I am a spotty flosser), put on lotion (since sometimes I get too dry skin), write (because I love writing but I have a hard time being motivated to take the time), eat healthy all day, no sweets (b/c I need a separate item to deal w/ my sugar cravings). The daily list is a way to curb my bad habits and encourage good habits.
Except for the daily writing requirement, the weekly items will be the items more geared toward emotional and mental positivity, instead of more focused on physical aspects. So far there are only two items on this list, but I find them to be the most difficult and probably most important. The 1st one is to once a week do something fun outside of the house. I find that when I've had a busy week, all I want to do is veg over the weekend. But then I don't really feel more positive when wasting the weekend this way. I just want the weekend to last longer. Instead, I find having a fun activity gives me something to look forward to and usually makes me feel better than if I had stayed home.
The 2nd item on the weekly list is to once a week sing in front of someone else. There are a number of reasons why I think this is important. Singing is one of my favorite things to do, yet it's extremely rare when other people actually get to listen. Also, this will help me with dealing with my anxiety. I worry so much that I will do bad or people won't like my singing that I don't sing in public, but if I can have some positive experiences despite the anxiety, I can use that for other aspects of life. I can't continue worrying that people are going to think I am a terrible singer, and then I would have to never do it again and lose a favorite activity just b/c I couldn't handle knowing people think I am bad. That won't happen and I need to squash those negative thoughts. Lastly, just singing alone in my kitchen, I am reminded of just how great it feels to belt it out. Not only do I enjoy hearing myself just belt it, but I feel good as the body chemicals rush through me. If I could just sing more in public, I could get this positive rush more, since I don't get to be alone too often.
So, that's that - my attempt at being a happier, healthier me. Who knows how long this will last, but I like the idea. And hey, it got me to write this post, so it's working already!
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Who's Got Two Thumbs, and Is Ready (Almost?) to Be Rejected By the Male Half of the Internet?
So, I've been getting a lot of encouragement (pressure?) lately from people I know to start online dating. This is something that I have had in mind as an eventual thing, but I would always say "someday" or "I'm not ready yet." But finally, I think I am ready.
Well, idk if ready is really what I am. More, I've come to terms that there really is no ready and I might as well just get out there and see what happens. I have being doing a lot of thinking about it. And I know you're all "you, thinking too much about something? Never!" But it's true. And this is what's being running through my head.
I don't know if there can ever be a ready. A person is a work in progress, and maybe my next step in progression is with someone, or at least a long slew of someones that suck and eventually someone sucks less than most. I figured, if I had a string of terrible dates, then at least I have plenty to blog about.
But mostly it's been some serious reflection. I mostly worry that I am not good enough. Granted, I know there are plenty of people out there that objectively seem less likely to find someone decent than me, yet they find someone. It's just that fear that maybe nothing has really happened to me yet b/c nothing can happen. What if I am the one women in the entire world that is completely unattractive to the entire male sex? Boo!! That would suck. Hard.
There's that Fry meme where he's all "can't tell if I'm oblivious to flirting, or if no one flirts with me." That, like, peered into my soul! But what if all I learn from online dating is for me it's the later? Then I would have to buy some cats, and honestly I am really more of a dog person. Or a no pets person. I am definitely a no plants person (I kill every plant way too soon.)
But I also found that I am equally afraid that someone will like me and want to get close, and that I will somehow prove incapable of that. I'm not the most "let's talk about feelings" person. Granted, I've gotten a lot better at that, but it's hard. And it definitely doesn't help listening to people I know talk about feelings issues they have. I am already prone to being way of an over-analyzer. Things could get really bad. >_< It's bad enough when I just like someone. I get too in my head about. And what starts w/ thinking about all the signs that could mean positive things, I soon turn to thinking about all the things that would make something happening a bad thing. I turn looking into things that make me like him into things that make me want to pass. And add online dating into the mix, that could be bad, right?
Yet, with all of that weighing on mind mind, I realized that whatever I worry about happening already happens to some extent anyway. I mean, I am already a heavy thinker, no matter the context. And I will always to some extent and at some points feel inadequate. But I might as well feel inadequate w/ someone else than alone. And what about being afraid to open up? Well, I am closed off by being alone, which is a for sure thing. So why not try and see if maybe I can be different when not alone. There is also the plus that if you online date, obvious the guy wants to be there for some reason. Even if it ends up sucking, there was something about your profile that made that guy go on a date. In my book, that is better than some stupid crush fantasy where you moon over someone, but in reality it will never work, no matter how much you've imagined the guy is so great for you. And not everyone can suck, right? RIGHT??
Even so, I do have the concern that I have way too all over the place of a personality to find someone who can match everything I'd like in a guy. I'm surprised that I am one person that likes all the stuff I do. I can't imagine there is a guy out there w/ the same/similar interests and has a decent job and is a decent person. Mostly, I just need to find someone who I have somethings in common with, is a decent responsible guy, and will tolerate my other crazy interests. Besides, I could so totally get someone into Doctor Who or some metalcore. Whatevs.
Besides, I would ideally what I am looking for is the West Coast Ted Mosby. And damn it, Ted Mosby gets to meet his girl finally. So, I should get out there and meet my person. I even have a wing-girl much like Barney Stinson to help me out. Time to suit up!!
Well, idk if ready is really what I am. More, I've come to terms that there really is no ready and I might as well just get out there and see what happens. I have being doing a lot of thinking about it. And I know you're all "you, thinking too much about something? Never!" But it's true. And this is what's being running through my head.
I don't know if there can ever be a ready. A person is a work in progress, and maybe my next step in progression is with someone, or at least a long slew of someones that suck and eventually someone sucks less than most. I figured, if I had a string of terrible dates, then at least I have plenty to blog about.
But mostly it's been some serious reflection. I mostly worry that I am not good enough. Granted, I know there are plenty of people out there that objectively seem less likely to find someone decent than me, yet they find someone. It's just that fear that maybe nothing has really happened to me yet b/c nothing can happen. What if I am the one women in the entire world that is completely unattractive to the entire male sex? Boo!! That would suck. Hard.
There's that Fry meme where he's all "can't tell if I'm oblivious to flirting, or if no one flirts with me." That, like, peered into my soul! But what if all I learn from online dating is for me it's the later? Then I would have to buy some cats, and honestly I am really more of a dog person. Or a no pets person. I am definitely a no plants person (I kill every plant way too soon.)
But I also found that I am equally afraid that someone will like me and want to get close, and that I will somehow prove incapable of that. I'm not the most "let's talk about feelings" person. Granted, I've gotten a lot better at that, but it's hard. And it definitely doesn't help listening to people I know talk about feelings issues they have. I am already prone to being way of an over-analyzer. Things could get really bad. >_< It's bad enough when I just like someone. I get too in my head about. And what starts w/ thinking about all the signs that could mean positive things, I soon turn to thinking about all the things that would make something happening a bad thing. I turn looking into things that make me like him into things that make me want to pass. And add online dating into the mix, that could be bad, right?
Yet, with all of that weighing on mind mind, I realized that whatever I worry about happening already happens to some extent anyway. I mean, I am already a heavy thinker, no matter the context. And I will always to some extent and at some points feel inadequate. But I might as well feel inadequate w/ someone else than alone. And what about being afraid to open up? Well, I am closed off by being alone, which is a for sure thing. So why not try and see if maybe I can be different when not alone. There is also the plus that if you online date, obvious the guy wants to be there for some reason. Even if it ends up sucking, there was something about your profile that made that guy go on a date. In my book, that is better than some stupid crush fantasy where you moon over someone, but in reality it will never work, no matter how much you've imagined the guy is so great for you. And not everyone can suck, right? RIGHT??
Even so, I do have the concern that I have way too all over the place of a personality to find someone who can match everything I'd like in a guy. I'm surprised that I am one person that likes all the stuff I do. I can't imagine there is a guy out there w/ the same/similar interests and has a decent job and is a decent person. Mostly, I just need to find someone who I have somethings in common with, is a decent responsible guy, and will tolerate my other crazy interests. Besides, I could so totally get someone into Doctor Who or some metalcore. Whatevs.
Besides, I would ideally what I am looking for is the West Coast Ted Mosby. And damn it, Ted Mosby gets to meet his girl finally. So, I should get out there and meet my person. I even have a wing-girl much like Barney Stinson to help me out. Time to suit up!!
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Tipping the Scales Back Toward Life
Aaaaaaaannnnd... I'm back! And hopefully a lot more often. See, I got a new job a few months ago and it has taken up a lot of my life. But in the new year, I am resolute to put some balance back in the whole work/life balance thing. I think it more important now then ever to have an outlet for whatever needs letting out.
So, as a special treat (you know, for the 3-5 people I actually know IRL who are the only ones who read this) I have decided to share something I have begun and wish to share. Although, I like to share it on my blog b/c I can pretend whatever I need to so my ego isn't bruised, and people I know can read it w/o having to fake praise when it sucked. But mostly, what's an outlet if it's not let out into the world, at least a little. And by putting it here on my blog, it's kind of a promise to me and to you that I will keep writing. Well, unless it sucks and breaks the Internet. But whatever! Here it is, not my first attmept at fiction, but definitely the first I am letting people read (not counting the crap I wrote in middle school.)
Enjoy. Or, whatever...
So, as a special treat (you know, for the 3-5 people I actually know IRL who are the only ones who read this) I have decided to share something I have begun and wish to share. Although, I like to share it on my blog b/c I can pretend whatever I need to so my ego isn't bruised, and people I know can read it w/o having to fake praise when it sucked. But mostly, what's an outlet if it's not let out into the world, at least a little. And by putting it here on my blog, it's kind of a promise to me and to you that I will keep writing. Well, unless it sucks and breaks the Internet. But whatever! Here it is, not my first attmept at fiction, but definitely the first I am letting people read (not counting the crap I wrote in middle school.)
Enjoy. Or, whatever...
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