The Only Thing to Fear...

I think it's interesting the thoughts that lead to me actually taking the time to write something down.  Like how just now I suddenly got inspiration, just from doing what I've been doing all day - thinking about yesterday.

Yesterday wasn't particularly special, except that it's one of the rare days when the whole department gets together in one place for a meeting.  I like it b/c I get to see people I don't talk to very often.  We're a great bunch of people.

While there yesterday, I was asked by one of our newer coworkers about one of our previous meetings - where I was asked by our head honcho get up in front of everyone and sing.  I'm not really a singing in public kind of person.  Even my closest friends and family don't hear me sing very often, b/c I get super anxious about it and only sing alone.

So, she asked me how I could do it, get in front of a large group of people and sing.  I of course said it was b/c the boss asked and I couldn't say no.  And yes, that's part of the answer - he's a great leader and I wanted to be down for mixing it up a little and showing off some talent.  But thinking about it just now, I realized there's something more to it.  It's really more about me and how I deal with fear.

Okay, so maybe it's not so much fear.  I think of fear more as scary crap like watching horror movies or walking to your car late at night w/ sketchy people around.  Really, it's more nerves or anxiety.  That's really what it is, right?  Like stage fright - that's anxiety.  Or maybe not for everyone.  I just know for me I have anxiety, and for me that "fear" is just my anxiety being a douche.

The thing is that I get anxious over a LOT of things.  Examples would be talking to new people, taking on a new task, being put on the spot, flying, even that moment when the green light has been green too long and it could turn red and I'm neither far enough away to easily nor close enough to run a yellow safely.  And you can definitely add singing in front of anyone to that list.  I even get really nervous in front of just a couple close friends.

But when it comes to anything that makes me anxious, no matter how diverse and expansive the list of things is, I deal with the anxiety in one way.  Okay, part of that way is freaking out beforehand.  I'll admit it - I spend a lot of time before something new (or during it when alone) just worrying the crap about it.  I can't help it.  As much as my anxiety can be a psychological thing, a lot of it is physiological.  Sometimes my body just reacts anxiously w/o asking what I'm doing mentally.  I've been completely logically fine with something while my body freaks out.  :P

And with that happening, the worrying and jitters and hearting pounding and throat constricting, I could easily just say screw it, and never do anything.  But I don't.  As much as I hate my anxiety, and as much as it drives me crazy, I fight it every step of the way.  I know from lots of experience that things usually don't turn out as bad as I worry they will.  And often then turn out well.  I have faith in what I can do, and the hardest part really is just pushing myself past the anxiety and just do whatever it is.  There have even be times when I pushed past and it sucked.  But the next time I just try again and I found overcoming anxiety when I've already had a bad experience feels even better than overcoming anxiety in the face of the unknown.

So, how did I get in front of a large group of coworkers and sing?  I did it the way I do a lot of things - I did it the same way I started a new job in unfamiliar field - I just showed up and did it.