Let's get political! I try not to do so that often, given that I'm pretty far left it can be scary. But I've just about had it lately w/o all the B.S. I'm seeing from Conservatives that it's driving me crazy, and I want to get it off my chest.
Disclaimer: I have no problem with people being Conservative. I happen to know and like a lot of Conservatives that I know personally. But there are soooo many in government and on TV being stupid and hypocrites that it's those that I can't stand. If you have Conservative values and live by them genuinely, great! I applaud that. But when Conservatives use their "values" to prop up inequality and hatred, that's when my gloves come off.
So, here goes: things that make Conservatives hypocrites, as seen on TV ;^)
1. Always respect the office of President (unless he's a Dem) - So, I recently learned about the whole Obama saluting with a coffee cup and the media circus around it. And then I saw John Stewart rip those people a new one b/c Bush did a similar thing with a dog. This is just another example I've seen of something I've been feeling awhile. I remember when Bush was President and Conservatives screamed that we should be more respectful b/c no matter our thoughts on the guy, he was the President and ALWAYS deserved respect. Me? I was a huge fan of the TV show "Little Bush," which was hilarious and an honest caricature of those peeps. But as soon as Obama becomes President? People I know personally who chastised me for being disrespectful of Bush turned around and did/said/posted things just as bad or worse. And of course the media is all over Obama over every stupid little thing. Don't like Obama? That's fine, you don't have to. Don't want to show a particular President respect? That's fine, I only do when it's earned. But if those first to are true, then have it be true all across the board. Because I do.
2. The Government shouldn't get involved with my personal liberties ever (unless it's a woman' vagina) - This is a rather short paragraph, b/c I feel like so many other people say it better, and it's self explanatory. Leave women's parts alone. You don't want to regulate things that need it, like polluting and equality, fine, but stop regulating things that you have no damn business regulating!
3. All life is precious and you shouldn't get abortions (but the death penalty is ok) - This one pisses me off. And it's not really the whole Pro-Life thing (because I have my own wacky feelings about abortion) but it's more the way they argue for it. The propound how all life is precious and make it this big deal about killing a soul and on and on. But it's ok to kill full grown living people? I get the people on death row aren't exactly great people, but I feel that if we can't kill people before they are even formed, we can't have the moral right to kill people once they are full blown adults. Don't we have the right to "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."
4. Ok, this one is a little tenuous, and just the product of my own crazy brain, so it doesn't get a heading. I recently read an article about this school district in Colorado that wants to change history taught in school to only teach parts of history that support the idea that the US is the best, and all about patriotism and supporting America, and basically remove the bits that make the US look bad and encourages dissent. First of all, that's terrible - I'm pretty sure that's what bad countries do to keep citizens in line when their governments are bad for the people. Second - that's unAmerican. Our history is what makes us great, and we learn from it. But also, it made me think of something else. The Conservative Justices on the Supreme Court like to interpret the Constitution using Originalism, which is basically to interpret the Constitution they have to look at it how it was meant back when written. But wait? If we don't teach kids now about ALL of the US history, how can the future Justices even do that? They won't have the correct context, which means they will corrupt the Constitution. But isn't that anti-Conservative? Isn't the Constitution supposed to be honored in its original form? And think about it - not all of the Amendments were written at the beginning. How can we interpret the Amendment not discriminating by race if students don't learn about the terrible racism from the past and how that Amendment came about, and the ramifications of that? Yeah, it was a terrible time, and learning about it made me cry at the pain and injustice of it all. But it's history. And because of that history, we've worked (even if there is still more work to be done) to make things better. Without teaching that to our children, what's the use of the change? What's to stop it from repeating? We have to teach our children all of our history, and then let it be up to them how they decide to be good Americans. Because forcing your idea of what an American is onto them is UnAmerican!
5. The Government shouldn't be our masters and have so much control on our lives (but it's ok if student loan bearers are indentured for ever and ever) - There seems to be a theme here - Conservatives want government out of their business - unless it regulates something that helps their goals of inequality. You would think that if Conservatives don't want the government involved w/ people's lives, then maybe they'd support loan forgiveness in some form - help people achieve, work hard, and then become active members of society who don't need government aid. Because, think about it. There are sooo many people that can contribute, but because they come from places where they can't afford college, they need loans. If they got loans, and then paid, say, a flat amount above their loan amount (whether it's 10% or 100% above their loan amount) and then it's done, that makes sense to me. A Government is not a bank, and should do what's good for its citizens. Even if we have to pay for years and years on loans, if we knew there was a cap on the total owed, eventually the loans would go away. But with job options and education options, some people could end up paying 4, 5, 6, etc. etc. the amount of there loans before completely paying, or getting forgiveness. The Government is obviously getting their money back plus some - why treat the interest like a bank? B/c with less loans, we can start buying houses and having a family and sending in the economy. That's good, right Conservatives? Not to them. B/c giving student loans in the 1st place encourages poor people to better themselves, and as much as Conservatives complain about the poor, they don't want less poor people - they just want them to be invisible and not get aid of any kind. So, if they have to give student loans, why not keep post-grads poor, and maybe the will discourage more people from getting them.
6. Complaints when they aren't allowed to put Christian items in government places, but try to prevent other religions from putting their religious items anywhere else, all in the name of protecting their freedom of religion - never have a group of people so misunderstood the Constitutional rights of Freedom of Religion. It does mean that the government will keep church and state separate so they don't appear to promote one religion as a government religion, thus making people of other religions feel alienated. It doesn't mean Christian religion can be wherever it wants in the government. And it doesn't mean Christians can stop other religious stuff from being where it's allowed. Like I get that many of the founding fathers were Christian, but they had religious persecution too. (Not all forms of Christian were the same back then). So they formed a government that didn't have a religion. And they formed a country that welcome different people from all over. So it only makes sense that the values of non-religion in government protects ALL religions, not just Christians. We all have to play by the same rules.
7. Poor people should stop being poor (but our policies basically want to keep them that way) - the economic inequality in the US probably make me more upset than anything else. I watched this video from the Daily Show yesterday where a Conservative was confronted about the poor health care some Americans receive already (before the ACA). And he said that if poor people want better care they should stop being poor. Really? I didn't think of that. But you know what? I can point to so many things that Conservatives in government support that keep the poor poor - trying to eradicate government aid, increased costs of higher education, terrible primary education in poor areas, food deserts in minority neighborhoods, all sorts of ways corporations and the extremely rich keep money while the rest of us get less and less. And the list goes on and on. People complain about government aid to people in need, but don't know about or ignore way more money given to "aid" people that already have more money than they would ever need - payouts to large banks, helping Wall Street, farm subsidies to rich farmers, etc. etc. You want the poor to stop being poor? Then stop supporting a system where there aren't options to stop being poor (except for those few exceptional people that beat the odds, and are then touted as why things are actually fine). If you don't want to support the poor, fine. If you want the rich to stay rich and believe we are better to have defined economic classes, fine. But just admit that your policies are aimed to do that. Don't perpetuate the trickle down economics lie when you know that's not what you want and that's not what happens.
There are probably soooo many more things for this list, but that's all I can think of at this moment. And there are more things that get me riled up, but I'll save those for some other time.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Oh the Feels! I Think I Used All the Tissues
Do you ever have those moments, where one minute you're just thinking about something, anything, entirely random, and then somehow your train of thought takes you someplace, and suddenly you're sobbing hysterically, trying to keep down the noise so your roommate in the next room doesn't hear? I had one of those moments today. I felt compelled to write about it.
It started in the most random of places. All I was doing was thinking about job interviews. I do that sometimes - where I imagine questions that I may get asked, and how I would response. I was thinking about my work ethic, about what if someone asked "where do you get your great work ethic?"
That thought make me jump straight to my dad. My mom worked hard too, she's a huge influence too. I guess I just can't say there are many other good quality traits my dad taught me (as oppsed to the many I got from my mom), so I attribute this one to him.
I also attribute to him my dislike of yard sales and flea markets, because for all of my childhood I remember weekends helping dad set up yard sales and going to the flea market or the large auction sites. I remember hating it, because who as a kid, and then a teenager, wants to spend their weekend working, helping dad, lifting heavy boxes and getting sweaty. I sure didn't. That's not to say there weren't fun times - cool random stuff I got to buy, usually cheap. And of course I got to eat whatever I wanted b/c mom wasn't around.
That's when I realized all this time as a kid is probably why, as an adult, I don't really get bothered as much by working long days or weekends (at least not nearly as bothered as so many others I know and don't know get bothered). I guess I am just used to it. And at least now I get paid real adult wages, and I can sit comfortably inside instead of getting sweaty outside.
But those thoughts are not what got the tears pouring.
[Just a warning/disclaimer - this may get you a little misty eyed. If it doesn't, either I'm a terrible writer, or you have no soul! I'm going to go with my gut that it's the latter, but you be the judge.]
I started to thinking about where my dad got his work ethic from, because for all his faults, he taught his kids the value of hard work. And that, he learned from his mom. And he's not the only one. I've heard plenty of times one of my relatives (maybe my dad, one of his 3 brothers, my mom, one of the many, MANY extended relations we had) expand upon just how hard my grandmother always worked.
Her life was far from easy - born in the south, starting a family young. Her and my grandfather moved to California with their first two sons (or was it after the 3?). I remember stories from her about working at the cannery - which is something hard to imagine now, as I think of cans being filled and closed by machines. And having to work other jobs too, more than one at a time, all while raising 4 boys. There are times when I think it was probably harder raising kids with a bad spouse, than on your own, because there is so much more pain when someone you love hurts you, and makes you life harder instead of helping to carry your burdens. Obviously I wasn't there, so I can't know how the times were all the time, but just remembering the terrible stories I've heard breaks my heart, to know anyone could be so mean to someone who was go loving and gave so much for her family.
Just now, going back over these thoughts, and fleshing them is making the tears worse. I have to wipe the tears from my eyes just to see that I've spelt some of these words correctly. Usually, I don't like to write about my feelings, but I couldn't help it. It felt wrong to keep this in, so cry it out and let it pass, without something substantial to know it happened. So, I'll continue.
Next, I began thinking about what it was like growing up, going to grandma's house. It was a small house, and not in great condition. But there was something about going to grandma's house that was like stepping into another world. I've never been to the South - I've barely made it past Colorado (within the US anyway), so all I knew about the place was from pictures and stories from my grandparents. But I always imagined it was like grandma's house - surrounded by orchards, people driving big trucks, animals out and about, and the houses much farther apart than where I lived in the suburbs. It's not like they lived far away (20-30 minutes maybe?), and it was definitely still California. But i guess being young, it always left an impression on me.
I remember grandma's garden. It wasn't like today, with all this trendy, organic crazed hype about having little gardens in your back yard. This was the real deal - little rows of vegetables growing as they wished, fresh made food, things pickled in jars looking authetic and rustic, not crafty and trendy.
At this time, I was already in tears - nostalgic for the old days, parts from my youth that are gone and lost forever. I began thinking about when grandma died. It was October, and it happened pretty suddenly. I am most thankful that I got to see her before she went, but remebering that last moment is still so sad. We were just talking, about anything. It was just nice to chat. And then she something we should do at Thanksgiving. As I told her that was something I wanted to do, inside it was all I could do to keep from falling apart. There would be no Thanksgiving, there wouldn't even be a next week - not here anyway, not with us. But I couldn't let this last moment to affected by that knowledge, so I held it in.
I feel like I held a lot of it in. The funeral was on the Tuesday following that last moment, and that following Saturday, and the Saturday after that, I had exams - important ones for my last year for grad school. I don't think at that time I had the room for mourning. It's like, if I really let it in, really felt it, then everything would fall apart and I wouldn't make it through. So, I just kept holding it in -
Which is why I think I still have these occasional moments - moments when out of nowhere, that extreme feeling of loss becomes overwhelming. With any loss, it fades with time, because you except it, you really feel it before, so later it just becomes this memory that you loved someone, and they loved you, and that love still exists.
I think about love and loss, and how people say when you loss someone, it's like a hole in your heart. Maybe sometimes that's true. Maybe if the loss is painful in a hurtful way, like the person was bad or did something terrible to maim your heart. But when you loose someone you love because life just takes them away, I don't think there's a hole. It's more of an impression.
Or maybe it's like replacing a framed photo where a person used to be - you can still see them, you can still feel that love, but it's just a one way conversation now. Not that when people leave they stop loving us (I choose to believe in an afterlife, however that happens) but instead we now feel that love coming from the place inside where we know they loved us, rather than getting the love from the source. And as much as that can hurt, and as much as that makes us cry, there's a beauty in that. I believe in feeling the beauty in the pain - knowing that something so wonderful exists that its loss can feel this strong. I never dislike feeling, even the bad things, because to feel at all is wonderful, and it means that I am living, and letting others into my life. And it's time that I learn to share that more.
It started in the most random of places. All I was doing was thinking about job interviews. I do that sometimes - where I imagine questions that I may get asked, and how I would response. I was thinking about my work ethic, about what if someone asked "where do you get your great work ethic?"
That thought make me jump straight to my dad. My mom worked hard too, she's a huge influence too. I guess I just can't say there are many other good quality traits my dad taught me (as oppsed to the many I got from my mom), so I attribute this one to him.
I also attribute to him my dislike of yard sales and flea markets, because for all of my childhood I remember weekends helping dad set up yard sales and going to the flea market or the large auction sites. I remember hating it, because who as a kid, and then a teenager, wants to spend their weekend working, helping dad, lifting heavy boxes and getting sweaty. I sure didn't. That's not to say there weren't fun times - cool random stuff I got to buy, usually cheap. And of course I got to eat whatever I wanted b/c mom wasn't around.
That's when I realized all this time as a kid is probably why, as an adult, I don't really get bothered as much by working long days or weekends (at least not nearly as bothered as so many others I know and don't know get bothered). I guess I am just used to it. And at least now I get paid real adult wages, and I can sit comfortably inside instead of getting sweaty outside.
But those thoughts are not what got the tears pouring.
[Just a warning/disclaimer - this may get you a little misty eyed. If it doesn't, either I'm a terrible writer, or you have no soul! I'm going to go with my gut that it's the latter, but you be the judge.]
I started to thinking about where my dad got his work ethic from, because for all his faults, he taught his kids the value of hard work. And that, he learned from his mom. And he's not the only one. I've heard plenty of times one of my relatives (maybe my dad, one of his 3 brothers, my mom, one of the many, MANY extended relations we had) expand upon just how hard my grandmother always worked.
Her life was far from easy - born in the south, starting a family young. Her and my grandfather moved to California with their first two sons (or was it after the 3?). I remember stories from her about working at the cannery - which is something hard to imagine now, as I think of cans being filled and closed by machines. And having to work other jobs too, more than one at a time, all while raising 4 boys. There are times when I think it was probably harder raising kids with a bad spouse, than on your own, because there is so much more pain when someone you love hurts you, and makes you life harder instead of helping to carry your burdens. Obviously I wasn't there, so I can't know how the times were all the time, but just remembering the terrible stories I've heard breaks my heart, to know anyone could be so mean to someone who was go loving and gave so much for her family.
Just now, going back over these thoughts, and fleshing them is making the tears worse. I have to wipe the tears from my eyes just to see that I've spelt some of these words correctly. Usually, I don't like to write about my feelings, but I couldn't help it. It felt wrong to keep this in, so cry it out and let it pass, without something substantial to know it happened. So, I'll continue.
Next, I began thinking about what it was like growing up, going to grandma's house. It was a small house, and not in great condition. But there was something about going to grandma's house that was like stepping into another world. I've never been to the South - I've barely made it past Colorado (within the US anyway), so all I knew about the place was from pictures and stories from my grandparents. But I always imagined it was like grandma's house - surrounded by orchards, people driving big trucks, animals out and about, and the houses much farther apart than where I lived in the suburbs. It's not like they lived far away (20-30 minutes maybe?), and it was definitely still California. But i guess being young, it always left an impression on me.
I remember grandma's garden. It wasn't like today, with all this trendy, organic crazed hype about having little gardens in your back yard. This was the real deal - little rows of vegetables growing as they wished, fresh made food, things pickled in jars looking authetic and rustic, not crafty and trendy.
At this time, I was already in tears - nostalgic for the old days, parts from my youth that are gone and lost forever. I began thinking about when grandma died. It was October, and it happened pretty suddenly. I am most thankful that I got to see her before she went, but remebering that last moment is still so sad. We were just talking, about anything. It was just nice to chat. And then she something we should do at Thanksgiving. As I told her that was something I wanted to do, inside it was all I could do to keep from falling apart. There would be no Thanksgiving, there wouldn't even be a next week - not here anyway, not with us. But I couldn't let this last moment to affected by that knowledge, so I held it in.
I feel like I held a lot of it in. The funeral was on the Tuesday following that last moment, and that following Saturday, and the Saturday after that, I had exams - important ones for my last year for grad school. I don't think at that time I had the room for mourning. It's like, if I really let it in, really felt it, then everything would fall apart and I wouldn't make it through. So, I just kept holding it in -
Which is why I think I still have these occasional moments - moments when out of nowhere, that extreme feeling of loss becomes overwhelming. With any loss, it fades with time, because you except it, you really feel it before, so later it just becomes this memory that you loved someone, and they loved you, and that love still exists.
I think about love and loss, and how people say when you loss someone, it's like a hole in your heart. Maybe sometimes that's true. Maybe if the loss is painful in a hurtful way, like the person was bad or did something terrible to maim your heart. But when you loose someone you love because life just takes them away, I don't think there's a hole. It's more of an impression.
Or maybe it's like replacing a framed photo where a person used to be - you can still see them, you can still feel that love, but it's just a one way conversation now. Not that when people leave they stop loving us (I choose to believe in an afterlife, however that happens) but instead we now feel that love coming from the place inside where we know they loved us, rather than getting the love from the source. And as much as that can hurt, and as much as that makes us cry, there's a beauty in that. I believe in feeling the beauty in the pain - knowing that something so wonderful exists that its loss can feel this strong. I never dislike feeling, even the bad things, because to feel at all is wonderful, and it means that I am living, and letting others into my life. And it's time that I learn to share that more.
Monday, September 1, 2014
Am I Too Old to Be a Runaway?
And no, I don't actually want to run away, like from home or anything. Although, that's rather enticing, for sure. No, what I referring to is a moniker taken on by fans of the band Crown the Empire, from their recent album, The Resistance: Rise of the Runaways. I like to rep bands that I love, even if no one sees it, because at the very least I get to blog about things I love, and I love this band!
I first heard about Crown the Empire from Alternative Press, who made the band one of AP's 2013 100 Bands You Need to Know This Year issue. I always like to check out new bands (whether it's an actual new band or just one I haven't listened to yet). And I just love hearing what's new and how my favorite genres of music are evolving.
What I love most about this band is the epicness of their music. Their first full length album, "The Fallout" is all about love and apocalypse. I like that there's a big story/theme in the album and it just rocks. One of the things I tend to here with newer bands is an album full of songs that mostly sound the same, with one or two unique ones mixed in, and it's not until later that the band expands their sound, or just keeps on doing the same stuff until their inevitable short end.
But not Crown the Empire! They have so much variety for a new band, and a really great sense of self. I particularly love the mixing the strings into the loud rock. It gives their music more depth and really makes it more epic. I do like to think that if the apocalypse were to come, or at least in a movie version I would script, the apocalypse would be to the soundtrack of loud rock and classical strings. :^) That's how I always imagined it.
Plus, I love this band's sense of showmanship. They actually put thought on how they want to appear on stage. They have a wardrobe, which I think really adds to the performance. And yes, I have seen them live. Twice. And I can't wait for the next time. Granted, the first time I saw them live, Andy Leo didn't do that great w/ the singing. But I think that has to do w/ being new and having to adjust to the rigor of singing so much so often. Luckily, David Escamilla stepped it up and took on some singing as well as his excellent growling/screaming/whatever term fits best. Personally, I think David is excellent as a vocalist, one of the better "unclean" vocalists I've heard in awhile. And of course the second time I saw them, this time at this year's Warped Tour, they definitely brought their A game and rocked it.
Oh, and the band has a pretty cool logo. As a fan of Trademarks, I appreciate these things. And the guys are pretty easy on the eyes. Not that I'm checking out guys significantly younger than me. ;^) Ok I am. Muahahaha. But seriously, this is one of the better looking bands. One of the guitarist is like guy model hot.
So, their new album came out recently, as mentioned before, and I have been rocking out to it quite often since then. I pre-ordered it, helping make it #1 on the iTunes rock album list. It's nice to see people support actual good rock music, even if the mainstream's idea of good rock music is totally lame. (Really, in what Universe does Lorde deserve "Best Rock Video" MTV? Idiots!)
They really expanded upon what they do best, epic rock with some strings and a lot of emotions. But I definitely feel this is a big step up from their first full album. (Their EP is good too, as a good start to becoming super awesome). They definitely expanded on what they can do. Like, how David did more legit singing on this album. He's pretty good, but surprising quiet when actually singing. It makes a nice blend w/ how powerful he is when doing the unclean vocals. I always find it interesting when bands have two vocalists, since I always wonder how that dynamic works when deciding on how to do vocals for songs. But I think Andy and David are a good mix with each other. I see David has having this just raw, untamed energy to him performing, while Andy seems more, idk if composed is right, or more calculated. Like, he has this sweeter looking face, but something manically wicked underneath. It's a fun pairing.
I am particulary a fan of their softer moments on this album, something newer. And I am glad to see that Andy has stepped up his singing game, because there's that one slow song on their EP that is sooooo badly sung, it hurts me ears. It's a pretty song, but soooo hard to listen to. But Andy really grew as a singer and performer since their last album. That shows some great maturity and great hope for the band to go on forever and ever (or at least long enough to become old and start doing casino tours. Sorry, that's a favorite new joke of mine, that no matter how famous you become as a musician, in the end, if they keep performing, they always end up playing casinos).
But I digress. Where was I? Oh, yeah, softer moments. I love the song Millenia. I don't hear too many rock ballads these days, at least not many that are reminicent of the good old days of epic rock ballads. And although it's only 2 minutes long, I think Satellites may be my favorite, mostly b/c I've already memorized it and I bust it out in my car on the way to and from work. It's great stress relief! I really like Machines - It's got some great lyrics and a great message. Mnstr is pretty bad ass - definitely the heavist they're done. They said that, not me, when I saw them at Warped Tour. Usually I don't like when a band plays their new stuff, b/c I can't sing along, but it's a great song, so it was cool to hear before the album came out. Plus, it helped to alleviate the usual fears I get when a new album comes out from a band I like, b/c I am always a little worried it's going to disappoint.
Probably another close contender for my favorite song on the album is Rise of the Runaways. It definitely gets me pumped on the way to work. Also, the beginning of the song reminds me of Styx, from Kilroy Was Here, and who doesn't love that? And then the song picks up speed and rocks my socks off. Oh, and I feel like I can't quit this blog post w/o mentioning Johnny's Rebellion. I got The Fallout before the EP, limitless, so I didn't get Johnny's Revenge at first. But I love how they carried the story through all three releases. Johnny's Revenge is still my favorite, but I love how the story plays out, and how the 3rd part at the end brings it back to lyrics from Johnny Ringo. It's some great framing.
So, that's my thoughts on Crown the Empire and their new album, The Resistance: Rise of the Runaways. Really, the only thing I don't like about it is that the album just came out, so it's going to be too long to wait for the next one.
I first heard about Crown the Empire from Alternative Press, who made the band one of AP's 2013 100 Bands You Need to Know This Year issue. I always like to check out new bands (whether it's an actual new band or just one I haven't listened to yet). And I just love hearing what's new and how my favorite genres of music are evolving.
What I love most about this band is the epicness of their music. Their first full length album, "The Fallout" is all about love and apocalypse. I like that there's a big story/theme in the album and it just rocks. One of the things I tend to here with newer bands is an album full of songs that mostly sound the same, with one or two unique ones mixed in, and it's not until later that the band expands their sound, or just keeps on doing the same stuff until their inevitable short end.
But not Crown the Empire! They have so much variety for a new band, and a really great sense of self. I particularly love the mixing the strings into the loud rock. It gives their music more depth and really makes it more epic. I do like to think that if the apocalypse were to come, or at least in a movie version I would script, the apocalypse would be to the soundtrack of loud rock and classical strings. :^) That's how I always imagined it.
Plus, I love this band's sense of showmanship. They actually put thought on how they want to appear on stage. They have a wardrobe, which I think really adds to the performance. And yes, I have seen them live. Twice. And I can't wait for the next time. Granted, the first time I saw them live, Andy Leo didn't do that great w/ the singing. But I think that has to do w/ being new and having to adjust to the rigor of singing so much so often. Luckily, David Escamilla stepped it up and took on some singing as well as his excellent growling/screaming/whatever term fits best. Personally, I think David is excellent as a vocalist, one of the better "unclean" vocalists I've heard in awhile. And of course the second time I saw them, this time at this year's Warped Tour, they definitely brought their A game and rocked it.
Oh, and the band has a pretty cool logo. As a fan of Trademarks, I appreciate these things. And the guys are pretty easy on the eyes. Not that I'm checking out guys significantly younger than me. ;^) Ok I am. Muahahaha. But seriously, this is one of the better looking bands. One of the guitarist is like guy model hot.
So, their new album came out recently, as mentioned before, and I have been rocking out to it quite often since then. I pre-ordered it, helping make it #1 on the iTunes rock album list. It's nice to see people support actual good rock music, even if the mainstream's idea of good rock music is totally lame. (Really, in what Universe does Lorde deserve "Best Rock Video" MTV? Idiots!)
They really expanded upon what they do best, epic rock with some strings and a lot of emotions. But I definitely feel this is a big step up from their first full album. (Their EP is good too, as a good start to becoming super awesome). They definitely expanded on what they can do. Like, how David did more legit singing on this album. He's pretty good, but surprising quiet when actually singing. It makes a nice blend w/ how powerful he is when doing the unclean vocals. I always find it interesting when bands have two vocalists, since I always wonder how that dynamic works when deciding on how to do vocals for songs. But I think Andy and David are a good mix with each other. I see David has having this just raw, untamed energy to him performing, while Andy seems more, idk if composed is right, or more calculated. Like, he has this sweeter looking face, but something manically wicked underneath. It's a fun pairing.
I am particulary a fan of their softer moments on this album, something newer. And I am glad to see that Andy has stepped up his singing game, because there's that one slow song on their EP that is sooooo badly sung, it hurts me ears. It's a pretty song, but soooo hard to listen to. But Andy really grew as a singer and performer since their last album. That shows some great maturity and great hope for the band to go on forever and ever (or at least long enough to become old and start doing casino tours. Sorry, that's a favorite new joke of mine, that no matter how famous you become as a musician, in the end, if they keep performing, they always end up playing casinos).
But I digress. Where was I? Oh, yeah, softer moments. I love the song Millenia. I don't hear too many rock ballads these days, at least not many that are reminicent of the good old days of epic rock ballads. And although it's only 2 minutes long, I think Satellites may be my favorite, mostly b/c I've already memorized it and I bust it out in my car on the way to and from work. It's great stress relief! I really like Machines - It's got some great lyrics and a great message. Mnstr is pretty bad ass - definitely the heavist they're done. They said that, not me, when I saw them at Warped Tour. Usually I don't like when a band plays their new stuff, b/c I can't sing along, but it's a great song, so it was cool to hear before the album came out. Plus, it helped to alleviate the usual fears I get when a new album comes out from a band I like, b/c I am always a little worried it's going to disappoint.
Probably another close contender for my favorite song on the album is Rise of the Runaways. It definitely gets me pumped on the way to work. Also, the beginning of the song reminds me of Styx, from Kilroy Was Here, and who doesn't love that? And then the song picks up speed and rocks my socks off. Oh, and I feel like I can't quit this blog post w/o mentioning Johnny's Rebellion. I got The Fallout before the EP, limitless, so I didn't get Johnny's Revenge at first. But I love how they carried the story through all three releases. Johnny's Revenge is still my favorite, but I love how the story plays out, and how the 3rd part at the end brings it back to lyrics from Johnny Ringo. It's some great framing.
So, that's my thoughts on Crown the Empire and their new album, The Resistance: Rise of the Runaways. Really, the only thing I don't like about it is that the album just came out, so it's going to be too long to wait for the next one.
Friday, July 18, 2014
Embracing the Delta
If I could use just one word to describe my life in recent years, the only really obvious choice would be "change." And I think that most people, in one area or another, can say the same. As with many, many things, that got me to thinking. What does change mean to me?
You hear a lot about people who don't like change. I get that. Sometimes it's hard to handle new things. More rarely, you hear about people who love change. But that got me to wondering, how do I feel about change? I've never really thought about it before, because it just happens, whether I have feelings about it or not.
As I got to thinking, it reminded me of the last stanza of one of my favorite poems "Mutability" by Percy Shelley:
It is the same!—For, be it joy or sorrow,
The path of its departure still is free;
Man's yesterday may ne'er be like his morrow;
Nought may endure but Mutability.
I find that last line particularly meaningful "Nought may endure but Mutability." Or more simply, the only constant is change.
If change is a constant in my life, how should I feel about it? I began thinking of all the changes I've been through - work, life, family, friends, age - and really not much is similar about every change I've made.
The one similarity though through most changes? It's usually never easy. I think one of the reasons people are resistant to change is that change takes effort. If most changes were easy, the would be done already. But just because something is difficult doesn't make it bad.
I finally decided, given all I've taken in above, that I don't like or dislike change. Don't get me wrong, there are changes that I've loved and those that made me miserable, but there's a distinction. I realized that it's less constructive to have an opinion on change one way or the other. Not that having one is bad for others, but for me it doesn't make sense.
See, I realized that having a feeling toward change, as an abstract idea, is too broad a stroke. Change in the abstract is so vague and so without good or bad, that it should just be. Rather, if I am going to have feelings about change, it should be in the context of each particular change, not change in general.
I think the problem that people have is they feel about change as either good or bad no matter the change. But I think the importance of making meaningful changes, or at least coping with the ones that are made for you, is really evaluating the change in context, and judging it for what it is, not what you want or fear it to be.
As I mentioned earlier, most change is difficult, no matter how wonderful in the long run. So, before making judgements on change, it's important to keep that in mind. I know that as people we have trouble sometimes thinking beyond the here and now, but if we can make that effort, our future selves will be very thankful.
So, when it comes to change, you shouldn't ask yourself "do I like or dislike change" but rather "how do I feel about this change." And think critically! Is this the right change to fix my problem? Will this change be better for me down the line? If I don't have control to prevent this change, can I help manage the results of the change? If this is the wrong change, can I admit it and change again? Can I embrace each new change with a fresh perspective?
I believe that if we each really make the effort to embrace change, and really engage it, that we can make great use of change. It may take hard work, and we may stumble along the way, but it's better to steer the ship of change than to let the winds carry the ship where they will.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Picking Flowers
I have been thinking a lot about the path that my life is traveling down. If life we just one road, continuous from start to finish, it might be easier to weather the journey.
I feel like once my life was one, long road. Each important life event is a mile marker. Walk, talk, start school, finish middle school, start high school, end same. Start on some path to a career, keep on, and on, and along the way you may gain and lose travelers, but on the road continues.
But I don't feel like that anymore. I once was on a long road. I had a map, and plan. And I set my journey to follow those until the end. But I turned a corner to find, instead of continuing along ever fainter into the distance, that the road ended.
Where that road ended, a whole city of roads opened up. I knew not where to set my feet again, so I wondered the roads of this city, trying many but staying with none, until I found another path to take.
I took this path, expecting to find that it would finally lead me into the horizon. A path is never easy, and you cannot see what lies ahead, but at least if you put on foot in front of the other, you can make it down the path, and encounter everything along the way.
But again I found this path did not lead me where it should - where I want so desperately to be. There is no road ahead for me to follow.
Instead, this new path lead me to a field. Try as I might to find another road to take, all around me is a vast empty field. Even the road that lead me there has vanished, never to be traced back to where I began.
I know this field wants me to make it something, wants me to carve my own path through it and lead myself on other journey. I cry out to the field, tell me what you want to be! Give me direction so that I am not the one who decides your fate. Yet the field remains stubbornly silent.
I wait for guidance. I wait for another traveler to place a path beneath my feet so that I may follow. I have no preference for where I will go, and how I will get there. And that's why the field remains so.
Perhaps I'll stop, and pick some flowers. And with their colorful distraction, perhaps luck brings inspiration.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Why Is iTunes So Judgemental?
Like many people who have embraced the 21st Century, I almost exclusively by my music from iTunes. I find it very convenient. I can sample the music before I buy it - if only I could have done that when I was younger, I would have saved so much money on cds I only bought for like one good song. Also, given my awesome, yet specialized, taste in music, I can actually get artists that you may only find in large cd stores, which are inconvenient to go to.
However, I am not a fan of some of the artist bios and album descriptions that are on iTunes. I get that my taste in music is not mainstream, but that doesn't mean iTunes can be a jerk about the bands I love!
I am a big fan of punk music, particularly pop punk, in its various forms. Idk how many times I have read some not nice things about the genre from descriptions on iTunes. Like how the like to mention the genre has no range, and that band's album is surprisingly good given the limitations of the genre. To that, I say "Screw You!" A genre is only as limited as the artists chose to make it (and I think they are awesome, so bite me). Or maybe the iTunes editors are just limited in their exposure to the music, so they don't know what they are talking about. Booooooooo!!
Or like today, I purchased the Black Veil Brides "Wretched and Divine" album (because it's awesome!). And yes, eventually the editor got to just how good the music is and that the band is freaking awesome. But first, they have to take a dig at their appearance. After the long winded, and rather rude description of how the band presents itself physically, the praise of their music seems more back handed or incredulous. Frankly, I find this uber insulting. BVB has a very dedicated fan base (which is very much deserved, and one of the reason I checked their music out in the first place). An album description is not the place to make such insulting comments. Granted, if someone's music is bad, then make an objective observation of that. But don't be an ass hole just because you don't understand a style of music or an artist.
So basically, that's my rant. I get I don't listen to the most popular music, but for those of us that like it, we are very dedicated, perhaps more so than many other types of music. Maybe instead of letting their editors be uneducated douche bags, iTunes can actually hire someone to edit the info who's not lame. Instead, have someone who actually gets it make these descriptions, so at least they can be accurate, and give great music its fair dues.
:^P
However, I am not a fan of some of the artist bios and album descriptions that are on iTunes. I get that my taste in music is not mainstream, but that doesn't mean iTunes can be a jerk about the bands I love!
I am a big fan of punk music, particularly pop punk, in its various forms. Idk how many times I have read some not nice things about the genre from descriptions on iTunes. Like how the like to mention the genre has no range, and that band's album is surprisingly good given the limitations of the genre. To that, I say "Screw You!" A genre is only as limited as the artists chose to make it (and I think they are awesome, so bite me). Or maybe the iTunes editors are just limited in their exposure to the music, so they don't know what they are talking about. Booooooooo!!
Or like today, I purchased the Black Veil Brides "Wretched and Divine" album (because it's awesome!). And yes, eventually the editor got to just how good the music is and that the band is freaking awesome. But first, they have to take a dig at their appearance. After the long winded, and rather rude description of how the band presents itself physically, the praise of their music seems more back handed or incredulous. Frankly, I find this uber insulting. BVB has a very dedicated fan base (which is very much deserved, and one of the reason I checked their music out in the first place). An album description is not the place to make such insulting comments. Granted, if someone's music is bad, then make an objective observation of that. But don't be an ass hole just because you don't understand a style of music or an artist.
So basically, that's my rant. I get I don't listen to the most popular music, but for those of us that like it, we are very dedicated, perhaps more so than many other types of music. Maybe instead of letting their editors be uneducated douche bags, iTunes can actually hire someone to edit the info who's not lame. Instead, have someone who actually gets it make these descriptions, so at least they can be accurate, and give great music its fair dues.
:^P
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
But Really, Why Talk When No One Ever Listens?
***NOTE: Please don't read this if you honestly don't care. This is for me, not for you. I'd rather you keep your unconcern out of my business.***
I hate days like today - those days when I just feel crappy on the inside and I want to talk about, or worse, people see it on my face and ask about it. What I hate even more is that one of the biggest lessons I have learned in life is to not talk about your feelings, because 99.99% of the time, it's not worth it.
This is a crap dilemma to be in, too, because supposedly talking about things is supposed to make you feel better. Maybe that is true in the abstract, but in my case I find it difficult to find someone to talk to that actually doesn't make me feel worse.
The problem is a lot of people don't get it. People who have never lived with body chemistry that's an ass hole just don't get how it feels. And they don't even try to understand. They just don't grasp how some days, for no reason at all, or few a bunch of stupid reasons, I just am in a bad place emotionally. Sometimes just sending an email, having to deal with too many people, or even just running late can just tear me apart inside. And then suddenly the panic takes over, and my breathing is restricted, my heart pounds, I impulsively move my hands, and murmur stuff like "I hate my life" and "kill me now" all w/o really wanting or meaning to. The panic just takes over and my body just does it.
It's not like I can't control it eventually. Most of the attacks I have (which can be as often as a few times a week) are pretty small. I know to take deep breaths, and I try to listen to music to center me. I am also really (almost scarily so) at holding it all in when other people come around because I don't want them to know.
And I hate that. I hate that when I am having a terrible time, and I need some relief, that it inevitably gets worse because I have to deal with other people. Here's me: I get like this sometimes, and it sucks, and yeah maybe I dwell on things that happened in the past, or I worry too much. But it's not like I want to do this. I know objectively and rationally that the negativity I feel does not reflect the truth of me. I know that I am being over taken by panic. But what I don't need is the judgement. What I need is for someone, finally, to just @#%$ing listen.
Because the problem is, it never ends. I have been like this for as long as I can remember, and as it's the way I was born, to some extent this will be my life forever. And I have had to learn the hard way that I have to hold a lot of it in because many people, many of them people I care about a lot, just don't get and can't. I do have some people that I can open up to, but it's never really been all the way because I learn bit by bit that most people can't be trusted to get it. Even now, with some friends I am becoming better pals with, I am building up walls around parts of me because they've shown they can be trusted to give me the support and the understanding that I need.
It sucks so bad. I am literally sitting here thinking of friends that I have had in the past that got it, but that aren't close to me anymore. I have a friend, when we were in high school, was so understanding of when I felt like this (even when I didn't understand it then as I do now). She always knew how to be supportive and make me feel that someone cared. I had a best friend in college, whom I had a big falling out with like 7 years ago. I just think I've finally mourned the loss of that relationship, because no matter how badly it ended or how difficult she could be, I could always feel safe opening up to her.
I just wish sometimes that people really knew how hard it is, and hard it's been. If people really knew, really understood, I'd hope they'd see just how much of a trooper I am really am. I handle this way better than I ever had before. I went through the terrible phase, then I went through the seclusion/get it together phase, and I think now I am on the second phase of just figuring out how to do the day to day with what I know about me and what I have to carry with me. And I just wish people knew that. And I wish they knew that sometimes it gets too tough, and it takes so much to just get over it, alone and in the right way.
And maybe part of that is my fault, because I can't put it on the line and open up at the risk of everything falling apart. But I think I am ready, at least for myself, to start putting parts of the past into words. That way, I can keep it to know where I've been, but stop carrying it around. Although, it would be lighter if I could get some help carrying the burden.
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I hate days like today - those days when I just feel crappy on the inside and I want to talk about, or worse, people see it on my face and ask about it. What I hate even more is that one of the biggest lessons I have learned in life is to not talk about your feelings, because 99.99% of the time, it's not worth it.
This is a crap dilemma to be in, too, because supposedly talking about things is supposed to make you feel better. Maybe that is true in the abstract, but in my case I find it difficult to find someone to talk to that actually doesn't make me feel worse.
The problem is a lot of people don't get it. People who have never lived with body chemistry that's an ass hole just don't get how it feels. And they don't even try to understand. They just don't grasp how some days, for no reason at all, or few a bunch of stupid reasons, I just am in a bad place emotionally. Sometimes just sending an email, having to deal with too many people, or even just running late can just tear me apart inside. And then suddenly the panic takes over, and my breathing is restricted, my heart pounds, I impulsively move my hands, and murmur stuff like "I hate my life" and "kill me now" all w/o really wanting or meaning to. The panic just takes over and my body just does it.
It's not like I can't control it eventually. Most of the attacks I have (which can be as often as a few times a week) are pretty small. I know to take deep breaths, and I try to listen to music to center me. I am also really (almost scarily so) at holding it all in when other people come around because I don't want them to know.
And I hate that. I hate that when I am having a terrible time, and I need some relief, that it inevitably gets worse because I have to deal with other people. Here's me: I get like this sometimes, and it sucks, and yeah maybe I dwell on things that happened in the past, or I worry too much. But it's not like I want to do this. I know objectively and rationally that the negativity I feel does not reflect the truth of me. I know that I am being over taken by panic. But what I don't need is the judgement. What I need is for someone, finally, to just @#%$ing listen.
Because the problem is, it never ends. I have been like this for as long as I can remember, and as it's the way I was born, to some extent this will be my life forever. And I have had to learn the hard way that I have to hold a lot of it in because many people, many of them people I care about a lot, just don't get and can't. I do have some people that I can open up to, but it's never really been all the way because I learn bit by bit that most people can't be trusted to get it. Even now, with some friends I am becoming better pals with, I am building up walls around parts of me because they've shown they can be trusted to give me the support and the understanding that I need.
It sucks so bad. I am literally sitting here thinking of friends that I have had in the past that got it, but that aren't close to me anymore. I have a friend, when we were in high school, was so understanding of when I felt like this (even when I didn't understand it then as I do now). She always knew how to be supportive and make me feel that someone cared. I had a best friend in college, whom I had a big falling out with like 7 years ago. I just think I've finally mourned the loss of that relationship, because no matter how badly it ended or how difficult she could be, I could always feel safe opening up to her.
I just wish sometimes that people really knew how hard it is, and hard it's been. If people really knew, really understood, I'd hope they'd see just how much of a trooper I am really am. I handle this way better than I ever had before. I went through the terrible phase, then I went through the seclusion/get it together phase, and I think now I am on the second phase of just figuring out how to do the day to day with what I know about me and what I have to carry with me. And I just wish people knew that. And I wish they knew that sometimes it gets too tough, and it takes so much to just get over it, alone and in the right way.
And maybe part of that is my fault, because I can't put it on the line and open up at the risk of everything falling apart. But I think I am ready, at least for myself, to start putting parts of the past into words. That way, I can keep it to know where I've been, but stop carrying it around. Although, it would be lighter if I could get some help carrying the burden.
Monday, April 14, 2014
I've Got Issues Stuck in My Head
So, I'm thinking the title of this post is misleading...aaaaaaaaand it may have been on purpose. See, by "Issues" I mean this awesome band that I love, and so by "Stuck in My Head" I mean I have their various songs playing in my head. And I've got the music stuck in my car stereo, and stuck on my iPod. It's amazing how many times I've listen to the music in the last 2-3 months.
I love new music. I am always on the listen to add something new to my music collection, whether it's a new band, or an old band, or an old band's new album. And even though many people may not share my musical tastes, I think they can understand the sentiment. I discover bands in different ways. For example, I like to buy compilation albums for genres I like and I follow Alternative Press (love them!!).
And that's basically how I discovered Issues. The first time I heard them (I only realized later) was on the 2013 released Punk Goes Christmas. They did an exceptional cover of "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays." As a '90s boy band aficionado, and a huge N'SYNC fan, I thought this was pretty epic. And I like the other little song snippet they threw in there for flavor. (My cousin/roommate caught it and thought it was awesome). Take a listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hpx2iJfy554
Now, after hearing this, I thought for sure that I had heard some of their other music before. With the number of compilation songs I get, it sometimes becomes hard to remember the artist and song title for all the random songs. But when I actually checked my music collection, turns out I didn't know any of their other music. I had only heard about them and how awesome they are from following AP.
It turns out that it's pretty obvious I hadn't heard anything else by them, b/c if I had I would have been "OMG, I NEED this music" much sooner. AP released their Most Anticipated Music of the Year issue, so of course I got it. I wanted to see who I know is releasing music in 2014, and who I may need to try out b/c they're awesome enough to be in the issue. And in this issue was Issues.
At that point I realized I just had to check them out iTunes. This was in January, before their full length album release when there was only the Black Diamonds EP and a couple other songs. I admit, I was a little hesitant at first, because I was only just recently coming around to liking an extreme mix of the loud rock w/ other genres. So, I was both curious and cautious about Issues' mix of metalcore w/ peppy, top 40s music. But I came around to love soon enough, somewhere around track 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P9iakgFD7hI
Once I heard this song, I was pretty much hooked and had to buy all the songs! And then once the full album came out I had to buy that too, sound unheard, which means a lot in Dayna music buying land, because I only buy music from a few select bands w/o listening to it first. So, now I have enough song for a decent sized playlist and to get me all the way to work in the morning.
I love this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iK8qFw7pOD0
And even though most of the rest of the song doesn't pertain to me, I find the first couple of lines come to mind lately. >_< Same sentiment with this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTvcW_s0FCo
And the first single is pretty epic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nn55oxf6gCg
I love how it's very loud, and then gets the R&B break down toward the end. And this one is a kind of guilty pleasure: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSRalkLkWjY
I can't decide when I drive with the windows down if I want to turn the volume down or up. Muahaha.
In my quieter, more introspective moments, I find myself asking "Dear sad ghost, why'd you put your heart on a shelf." That's pretty darn poignant, if you ask me. *sigh* Aaaaaaaaand now I have that last video song in my head. On that note...
I love new music. I am always on the listen to add something new to my music collection, whether it's a new band, or an old band, or an old band's new album. And even though many people may not share my musical tastes, I think they can understand the sentiment. I discover bands in different ways. For example, I like to buy compilation albums for genres I like and I follow Alternative Press (love them!!).
And that's basically how I discovered Issues. The first time I heard them (I only realized later) was on the 2013 released Punk Goes Christmas. They did an exceptional cover of "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays." As a '90s boy band aficionado, and a huge N'SYNC fan, I thought this was pretty epic. And I like the other little song snippet they threw in there for flavor. (My cousin/roommate caught it and thought it was awesome). Take a listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hpx2iJfy554
Now, after hearing this, I thought for sure that I had heard some of their other music before. With the number of compilation songs I get, it sometimes becomes hard to remember the artist and song title for all the random songs. But when I actually checked my music collection, turns out I didn't know any of their other music. I had only heard about them and how awesome they are from following AP.
It turns out that it's pretty obvious I hadn't heard anything else by them, b/c if I had I would have been "OMG, I NEED this music" much sooner. AP released their Most Anticipated Music of the Year issue, so of course I got it. I wanted to see who I know is releasing music in 2014, and who I may need to try out b/c they're awesome enough to be in the issue. And in this issue was Issues.
At that point I realized I just had to check them out iTunes. This was in January, before their full length album release when there was only the Black Diamonds EP and a couple other songs. I admit, I was a little hesitant at first, because I was only just recently coming around to liking an extreme mix of the loud rock w/ other genres. So, I was both curious and cautious about Issues' mix of metalcore w/ peppy, top 40s music. But I came around to love soon enough, somewhere around track 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P9iakgFD7hI
Once I heard this song, I was pretty much hooked and had to buy all the songs! And then once the full album came out I had to buy that too, sound unheard, which means a lot in Dayna music buying land, because I only buy music from a few select bands w/o listening to it first. So, now I have enough song for a decent sized playlist and to get me all the way to work in the morning.
I love this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iK8qFw7pOD0
And even though most of the rest of the song doesn't pertain to me, I find the first couple of lines come to mind lately. >_< Same sentiment with this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTvcW_s0FCo
And the first single is pretty epic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nn55oxf6gCg
I love how it's very loud, and then gets the R&B break down toward the end. And this one is a kind of guilty pleasure: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSRalkLkWjY
I can't decide when I drive with the windows down if I want to turn the volume down or up. Muahaha.
In my quieter, more introspective moments, I find myself asking "Dear sad ghost, why'd you put your heart on a shelf." That's pretty darn poignant, if you ask me. *sigh* Aaaaaaaaand now I have that last video song in my head. On that note...
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
The Only Thing to Fear...
I think it's interesting the thoughts that lead to me actually taking the time to write something down. Like how just now I suddenly got inspiration, just from doing what I've been doing all day - thinking about yesterday.
Yesterday wasn't particularly special, except that it's one of the rare days when the whole department gets together in one place for a meeting. I like it b/c I get to see people I don't talk to very often. We're a great bunch of people.
While there yesterday, I was asked by one of our newer coworkers about one of our previous meetings - where I was asked by our head honcho get up in front of everyone and sing. I'm not really a singing in public kind of person. Even my closest friends and family don't hear me sing very often, b/c I get super anxious about it and only sing alone.
So, she asked me how I could do it, get in front of a large group of people and sing. I of course said it was b/c the boss asked and I couldn't say no. And yes, that's part of the answer - he's a great leader and I wanted to be down for mixing it up a little and showing off some talent. But thinking about it just now, I realized there's something more to it. It's really more about me and how I deal with fear.
Okay, so maybe it's not so much fear. I think of fear more as scary crap like watching horror movies or walking to your car late at night w/ sketchy people around. Really, it's more nerves or anxiety. That's really what it is, right? Like stage fright - that's anxiety. Or maybe not for everyone. I just know for me I have anxiety, and for me that "fear" is just my anxiety being a douche.
The thing is that I get anxious over a LOT of things. Examples would be talking to new people, taking on a new task, being put on the spot, flying, even that moment when the green light has been green too long and it could turn red and I'm neither far enough away to easily nor close enough to run a yellow safely. And you can definitely add singing in front of anyone to that list. I even get really nervous in front of just a couple close friends.
But when it comes to anything that makes me anxious, no matter how diverse and expansive the list of things is, I deal with the anxiety in one way. Okay, part of that way is freaking out beforehand. I'll admit it - I spend a lot of time before something new (or during it when alone) just worrying the crap about it. I can't help it. As much as my anxiety can be a psychological thing, a lot of it is physiological. Sometimes my body just reacts anxiously w/o asking what I'm doing mentally. I've been completely logically fine with something while my body freaks out. :P
And with that happening, the worrying and jitters and hearting pounding and throat constricting, I could easily just say screw it, and never do anything. But I don't. As much as I hate my anxiety, and as much as it drives me crazy, I fight it every step of the way. I know from lots of experience that things usually don't turn out as bad as I worry they will. And often then turn out well. I have faith in what I can do, and the hardest part really is just pushing myself past the anxiety and just do whatever it is. There have even be times when I pushed past and it sucked. But the next time I just try again and I found overcoming anxiety when I've already had a bad experience feels even better than overcoming anxiety in the face of the unknown.
So, how did I get in front of a large group of coworkers and sing? I did it the way I do a lot of things - I did it the same way I started a new job in unfamiliar field - I just showed up and did it.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
My "Fake It Til I Make It" List; or Quality Auditing My Life
It's month 3 of 2014 and I've noticed two big things about how I feel about life now compared to 2013. 1st, I am definitely in a much better place factually than I was last year, but 2nd I am still experiencing the side effects of the emotional turmoil that was 2013. Oh, and a 3rd thing I realized was that sitting around doing nothing to feel more positive wasn't really going to do much. I was caught in an actual Catch 22: I needed to feel happier to do more activities in my life, but I needed more activities in my life to make me feel happier.
Here's the rundown of what's what from last year. I spent the 1st six months of 2013 stressing (in an increasingly intense way) about getting a permanent full-time job. Having graduated in 2012, I was going on 1 year w/o anything, not to mention I had no idea what I wanted to do so that increased the stress. What if I never found anything b/c I couldn't make up my mind? And what if I got a job and I hated it more than I've ever hated anything in the world?
But then July came along and I got a job offer, but also got to spend one glorious, stress-free month of doing whatever I wanted w/o having to complete job applications. I loved July 2013 for that. I did some serious amount of writing for the first time ever, I read three weighty books, and spent a lot of time relaxing doing nothing.
But then that obviously had to end. I have to say that overall, I really like my job and what I hope it's going to be. Plus I work w/ some amazing people, which is way better than I would have hoped. However, any new situation comes with new challenges, and no matter how great things can be there are always one or two sour grapes, or situations that randomly arise to just make you miserable. I learned a lot at one point about asserting myself (and about realizing once again that I have to trust my instincts b/c experience doesn't always make the other person right). And then I was pretty much miserable from Thanksgiving until after New Years. Plus, not to mention that fact I was SUPER busy w/ so much work to do. All in all, this combined to be a time when I did very little else other than work and then veg at home. Many of my favorite things went by the way side b/c I just didn't feel like it.
So, in an effort to bring some positive vibes, to get back into some other hobbies, and to overall increase the wellness of me, I have decided to do something proactive. No more sitting around waiting to suddenly be more happy. Of course, being me, I need something concrete to keep me on track. That is why I decided to make a list of all the things I want to do during the week to keep those things on my mind. I call it my "Fake It Til I Make It" list b/c I don't really feel motivated, or healthy, or confident, or "insert random adjective here," and this list is a way for me to mechanically perform all of the things I should want to do until I get into the habit and feel positive about everything. I also see it was a quality audit b/c I am going to keep a spreadsheet where I will assign the activities points, and not completing activities will lower my daily and weekly scores.
You may be wondering, what's on this list? Well, first know that I intend this to be a dynamic list, so that as I go along I can add things that I think need to be in my day/week, and remove things that I either no longer need to do or do on my own w/o needing the reminder. I will have the items set up some on a daily basis and some on a weekly basis. (And don't judge me for this - my job may have taken over too many parts of my brain, hehehe)
W/o revealing EVERYTHING, the daily items would be like: floss (since I am a spotty flosser), put on lotion (since sometimes I get too dry skin), write (because I love writing but I have a hard time being motivated to take the time), eat healthy all day, no sweets (b/c I need a separate item to deal w/ my sugar cravings). The daily list is a way to curb my bad habits and encourage good habits.
Except for the daily writing requirement, the weekly items will be the items more geared toward emotional and mental positivity, instead of more focused on physical aspects. So far there are only two items on this list, but I find them to be the most difficult and probably most important. The 1st one is to once a week do something fun outside of the house. I find that when I've had a busy week, all I want to do is veg over the weekend. But then I don't really feel more positive when wasting the weekend this way. I just want the weekend to last longer. Instead, I find having a fun activity gives me something to look forward to and usually makes me feel better than if I had stayed home.
The 2nd item on the weekly list is to once a week sing in front of someone else. There are a number of reasons why I think this is important. Singing is one of my favorite things to do, yet it's extremely rare when other people actually get to listen. Also, this will help me with dealing with my anxiety. I worry so much that I will do bad or people won't like my singing that I don't sing in public, but if I can have some positive experiences despite the anxiety, I can use that for other aspects of life. I can't continue worrying that people are going to think I am a terrible singer, and then I would have to never do it again and lose a favorite activity just b/c I couldn't handle knowing people think I am bad. That won't happen and I need to squash those negative thoughts. Lastly, just singing alone in my kitchen, I am reminded of just how great it feels to belt it out. Not only do I enjoy hearing myself just belt it, but I feel good as the body chemicals rush through me. If I could just sing more in public, I could get this positive rush more, since I don't get to be alone too often.
So, that's that - my attempt at being a happier, healthier me. Who knows how long this will last, but I like the idea. And hey, it got me to write this post, so it's working already!
Here's the rundown of what's what from last year. I spent the 1st six months of 2013 stressing (in an increasingly intense way) about getting a permanent full-time job. Having graduated in 2012, I was going on 1 year w/o anything, not to mention I had no idea what I wanted to do so that increased the stress. What if I never found anything b/c I couldn't make up my mind? And what if I got a job and I hated it more than I've ever hated anything in the world?
But then July came along and I got a job offer, but also got to spend one glorious, stress-free month of doing whatever I wanted w/o having to complete job applications. I loved July 2013 for that. I did some serious amount of writing for the first time ever, I read three weighty books, and spent a lot of time relaxing doing nothing.
But then that obviously had to end. I have to say that overall, I really like my job and what I hope it's going to be. Plus I work w/ some amazing people, which is way better than I would have hoped. However, any new situation comes with new challenges, and no matter how great things can be there are always one or two sour grapes, or situations that randomly arise to just make you miserable. I learned a lot at one point about asserting myself (and about realizing once again that I have to trust my instincts b/c experience doesn't always make the other person right). And then I was pretty much miserable from Thanksgiving until after New Years. Plus, not to mention that fact I was SUPER busy w/ so much work to do. All in all, this combined to be a time when I did very little else other than work and then veg at home. Many of my favorite things went by the way side b/c I just didn't feel like it.
So, in an effort to bring some positive vibes, to get back into some other hobbies, and to overall increase the wellness of me, I have decided to do something proactive. No more sitting around waiting to suddenly be more happy. Of course, being me, I need something concrete to keep me on track. That is why I decided to make a list of all the things I want to do during the week to keep those things on my mind. I call it my "Fake It Til I Make It" list b/c I don't really feel motivated, or healthy, or confident, or "insert random adjective here," and this list is a way for me to mechanically perform all of the things I should want to do until I get into the habit and feel positive about everything. I also see it was a quality audit b/c I am going to keep a spreadsheet where I will assign the activities points, and not completing activities will lower my daily and weekly scores.
You may be wondering, what's on this list? Well, first know that I intend this to be a dynamic list, so that as I go along I can add things that I think need to be in my day/week, and remove things that I either no longer need to do or do on my own w/o needing the reminder. I will have the items set up some on a daily basis and some on a weekly basis. (And don't judge me for this - my job may have taken over too many parts of my brain, hehehe)
W/o revealing EVERYTHING, the daily items would be like: floss (since I am a spotty flosser), put on lotion (since sometimes I get too dry skin), write (because I love writing but I have a hard time being motivated to take the time), eat healthy all day, no sweets (b/c I need a separate item to deal w/ my sugar cravings). The daily list is a way to curb my bad habits and encourage good habits.
Except for the daily writing requirement, the weekly items will be the items more geared toward emotional and mental positivity, instead of more focused on physical aspects. So far there are only two items on this list, but I find them to be the most difficult and probably most important. The 1st one is to once a week do something fun outside of the house. I find that when I've had a busy week, all I want to do is veg over the weekend. But then I don't really feel more positive when wasting the weekend this way. I just want the weekend to last longer. Instead, I find having a fun activity gives me something to look forward to and usually makes me feel better than if I had stayed home.
The 2nd item on the weekly list is to once a week sing in front of someone else. There are a number of reasons why I think this is important. Singing is one of my favorite things to do, yet it's extremely rare when other people actually get to listen. Also, this will help me with dealing with my anxiety. I worry so much that I will do bad or people won't like my singing that I don't sing in public, but if I can have some positive experiences despite the anxiety, I can use that for other aspects of life. I can't continue worrying that people are going to think I am a terrible singer, and then I would have to never do it again and lose a favorite activity just b/c I couldn't handle knowing people think I am bad. That won't happen and I need to squash those negative thoughts. Lastly, just singing alone in my kitchen, I am reminded of just how great it feels to belt it out. Not only do I enjoy hearing myself just belt it, but I feel good as the body chemicals rush through me. If I could just sing more in public, I could get this positive rush more, since I don't get to be alone too often.
So, that's that - my attempt at being a happier, healthier me. Who knows how long this will last, but I like the idea. And hey, it got me to write this post, so it's working already!
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Who's Got Two Thumbs, and Is Ready (Almost?) to Be Rejected By the Male Half of the Internet?
So, I've been getting a lot of encouragement (pressure?) lately from people I know to start online dating. This is something that I have had in mind as an eventual thing, but I would always say "someday" or "I'm not ready yet." But finally, I think I am ready.
Well, idk if ready is really what I am. More, I've come to terms that there really is no ready and I might as well just get out there and see what happens. I have being doing a lot of thinking about it. And I know you're all "you, thinking too much about something? Never!" But it's true. And this is what's being running through my head.
I don't know if there can ever be a ready. A person is a work in progress, and maybe my next step in progression is with someone, or at least a long slew of someones that suck and eventually someone sucks less than most. I figured, if I had a string of terrible dates, then at least I have plenty to blog about.
But mostly it's been some serious reflection. I mostly worry that I am not good enough. Granted, I know there are plenty of people out there that objectively seem less likely to find someone decent than me, yet they find someone. It's just that fear that maybe nothing has really happened to me yet b/c nothing can happen. What if I am the one women in the entire world that is completely unattractive to the entire male sex? Boo!! That would suck. Hard.
There's that Fry meme where he's all "can't tell if I'm oblivious to flirting, or if no one flirts with me." That, like, peered into my soul! But what if all I learn from online dating is for me it's the later? Then I would have to buy some cats, and honestly I am really more of a dog person. Or a no pets person. I am definitely a no plants person (I kill every plant way too soon.)
But I also found that I am equally afraid that someone will like me and want to get close, and that I will somehow prove incapable of that. I'm not the most "let's talk about feelings" person. Granted, I've gotten a lot better at that, but it's hard. And it definitely doesn't help listening to people I know talk about feelings issues they have. I am already prone to being way of an over-analyzer. Things could get really bad. >_< It's bad enough when I just like someone. I get too in my head about. And what starts w/ thinking about all the signs that could mean positive things, I soon turn to thinking about all the things that would make something happening a bad thing. I turn looking into things that make me like him into things that make me want to pass. And add online dating into the mix, that could be bad, right?
Yet, with all of that weighing on mind mind, I realized that whatever I worry about happening already happens to some extent anyway. I mean, I am already a heavy thinker, no matter the context. And I will always to some extent and at some points feel inadequate. But I might as well feel inadequate w/ someone else than alone. And what about being afraid to open up? Well, I am closed off by being alone, which is a for sure thing. So why not try and see if maybe I can be different when not alone. There is also the plus that if you online date, obvious the guy wants to be there for some reason. Even if it ends up sucking, there was something about your profile that made that guy go on a date. In my book, that is better than some stupid crush fantasy where you moon over someone, but in reality it will never work, no matter how much you've imagined the guy is so great for you. And not everyone can suck, right? RIGHT??
Even so, I do have the concern that I have way too all over the place of a personality to find someone who can match everything I'd like in a guy. I'm surprised that I am one person that likes all the stuff I do. I can't imagine there is a guy out there w/ the same/similar interests and has a decent job and is a decent person. Mostly, I just need to find someone who I have somethings in common with, is a decent responsible guy, and will tolerate my other crazy interests. Besides, I could so totally get someone into Doctor Who or some metalcore. Whatevs.
Besides, I would ideally what I am looking for is the West Coast Ted Mosby. And damn it, Ted Mosby gets to meet his girl finally. So, I should get out there and meet my person. I even have a wing-girl much like Barney Stinson to help me out. Time to suit up!!
Well, idk if ready is really what I am. More, I've come to terms that there really is no ready and I might as well just get out there and see what happens. I have being doing a lot of thinking about it. And I know you're all "you, thinking too much about something? Never!" But it's true. And this is what's being running through my head.
I don't know if there can ever be a ready. A person is a work in progress, and maybe my next step in progression is with someone, or at least a long slew of someones that suck and eventually someone sucks less than most. I figured, if I had a string of terrible dates, then at least I have plenty to blog about.
But mostly it's been some serious reflection. I mostly worry that I am not good enough. Granted, I know there are plenty of people out there that objectively seem less likely to find someone decent than me, yet they find someone. It's just that fear that maybe nothing has really happened to me yet b/c nothing can happen. What if I am the one women in the entire world that is completely unattractive to the entire male sex? Boo!! That would suck. Hard.
There's that Fry meme where he's all "can't tell if I'm oblivious to flirting, or if no one flirts with me." That, like, peered into my soul! But what if all I learn from online dating is for me it's the later? Then I would have to buy some cats, and honestly I am really more of a dog person. Or a no pets person. I am definitely a no plants person (I kill every plant way too soon.)
But I also found that I am equally afraid that someone will like me and want to get close, and that I will somehow prove incapable of that. I'm not the most "let's talk about feelings" person. Granted, I've gotten a lot better at that, but it's hard. And it definitely doesn't help listening to people I know talk about feelings issues they have. I am already prone to being way of an over-analyzer. Things could get really bad. >_< It's bad enough when I just like someone. I get too in my head about. And what starts w/ thinking about all the signs that could mean positive things, I soon turn to thinking about all the things that would make something happening a bad thing. I turn looking into things that make me like him into things that make me want to pass. And add online dating into the mix, that could be bad, right?
Yet, with all of that weighing on mind mind, I realized that whatever I worry about happening already happens to some extent anyway. I mean, I am already a heavy thinker, no matter the context. And I will always to some extent and at some points feel inadequate. But I might as well feel inadequate w/ someone else than alone. And what about being afraid to open up? Well, I am closed off by being alone, which is a for sure thing. So why not try and see if maybe I can be different when not alone. There is also the plus that if you online date, obvious the guy wants to be there for some reason. Even if it ends up sucking, there was something about your profile that made that guy go on a date. In my book, that is better than some stupid crush fantasy where you moon over someone, but in reality it will never work, no matter how much you've imagined the guy is so great for you. And not everyone can suck, right? RIGHT??
Even so, I do have the concern that I have way too all over the place of a personality to find someone who can match everything I'd like in a guy. I'm surprised that I am one person that likes all the stuff I do. I can't imagine there is a guy out there w/ the same/similar interests and has a decent job and is a decent person. Mostly, I just need to find someone who I have somethings in common with, is a decent responsible guy, and will tolerate my other crazy interests. Besides, I could so totally get someone into Doctor Who or some metalcore. Whatevs.
Besides, I would ideally what I am looking for is the West Coast Ted Mosby. And damn it, Ted Mosby gets to meet his girl finally. So, I should get out there and meet my person. I even have a wing-girl much like Barney Stinson to help me out. Time to suit up!!
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Tipping the Scales Back Toward Life
Aaaaaaaannnnd... I'm back! And hopefully a lot more often. See, I got a new job a few months ago and it has taken up a lot of my life. But in the new year, I am resolute to put some balance back in the whole work/life balance thing. I think it more important now then ever to have an outlet for whatever needs letting out.
So, as a special treat (you know, for the 3-5 people I actually know IRL who are the only ones who read this) I have decided to share something I have begun and wish to share. Although, I like to share it on my blog b/c I can pretend whatever I need to so my ego isn't bruised, and people I know can read it w/o having to fake praise when it sucked. But mostly, what's an outlet if it's not let out into the world, at least a little. And by putting it here on my blog, it's kind of a promise to me and to you that I will keep writing. Well, unless it sucks and breaks the Internet. But whatever! Here it is, not my first attmept at fiction, but definitely the first I am letting people read (not counting the crap I wrote in middle school.)
Enjoy. Or, whatever...
So, as a special treat (you know, for the 3-5 people I actually know IRL who are the only ones who read this) I have decided to share something I have begun and wish to share. Although, I like to share it on my blog b/c I can pretend whatever I need to so my ego isn't bruised, and people I know can read it w/o having to fake praise when it sucked. But mostly, what's an outlet if it's not let out into the world, at least a little. And by putting it here on my blog, it's kind of a promise to me and to you that I will keep writing. Well, unless it sucks and breaks the Internet. But whatever! Here it is, not my first attmept at fiction, but definitely the first I am letting people read (not counting the crap I wrote in middle school.)
Enjoy. Or, whatever...
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