How Not to Name Your Children

Now, I don't have any children, yet.  But I would like to think that with all my wisdom and life experience, I'd make a great parent.  So, I wouldn't want my children to think I hated them before they were born, so I refuse to make any bad naming mistakes.  Because goodness knows there are plenty of other parents, no matter how good they are as parents, that have made some naming mistakes that may haunt their children FOREVER!!!!

I don't actually have any professional experience in psychology, so I don't really know how/if children are traumatized by their names.  And, I don't have any professional naming degrees or anything.  Is that a thing?  Do people specialize in namology? I don't know, but I haven't got whatever it is.

What I do have is life experience, and I have met plenty of people and I have probably read thousands of names!  And from all this reading I have come up with some tips about how not to name your kids, unless you actually hate your kids from birth, then go ahead, give them terrible names.

Super Common Names

Nothing says "you're not special enough" than having an uber common name.  And I am not just talking about a first name.  I mean having a first and last name combination so common that if I were to look you up on LinkedIn, I'd get so many options the internet would explode.  Granted, it makes internet stalking your kid much harder, but I am sure the drawbacks for super common names out number the advantages.

Freakishly Unusual Names

The above being said, you should also avoid names that are so out there that they can't actually be classified as names.  I recently read about how in some countries they have lists of approved names.  At first I was a little offended (free speech and all) but I think it's not a half bad idea, especially if it keeps kids from having names like Rainbow or Wrench, or something ridiculous.  Okay, I haven't heard of someone named wrench, but I met a Rainbow once, and I bet she's not alone.  And yes, celebrities give their kids really weird names, but that's no reason you should.  And they should stop it too.

Names That Shouldn't Go Together

Now there are some names, on their own, that are completely fine.  But when combined with last names, they can become terribly ridiculous.  Let's say, for example, that your last name is Butts.  Sadly, you already have a last name that would garner teasing.  But you can make it worse.  Let's say you want to name your kid Matthew Rex.  Well, now your kid's name is Matthew Rex Butts.  Now say it out loud a few times.  If you are not giggling, you have no sense of humour, or you don't get it.  But unfortunately there are people with this kind of name problem.  And I have more examples.  If you want to name your daughter something literary, let's go with Scarlett, you should be very careful for a middle name, especially if you want to be creative. Let's also say you want to name her after your aunt Flo.  Now you have a daughter named Scarlett Flo, and I have a mind full of terrible menstruation jokes. I am sure there are other usable names to make some great period jokes, but that's the most to the point, I think.

Unusual (Mis)spellings

Some parents like to think they are creative by changing the spelling of an usually common name.  Like recently I saw Lindsey spelt Lynzy.  Really?  REALLY!?  Honestly, if you are going to give your kid a normal name, spell it normally.  Otherwise, people are going to get confused, and might mispronounce their name.  Imagine the years of roll calls for these poor children.  Plus, think of all the Starbucks orders.  Take my name, for example.  While I love my name (and technically it's the proper spelling of it for a girl) it's still not the most common spelling.  And I love Starbucks, but I can count on one hand the number of times in a decade that they've spelt my name correctly on my cup.  I am thinking of making buttons and handing them out to people who spell my name correctly, as a badge of honor.  So, let's be sparing with changing "i/ie" to "y" (or vice versa), changing double letters to single, and other similar things.  As for names that have multiple acceptable spellings, I can't help you.

Juniors, the Thirds, etc., etc.

I get it, men have this whole ego thing, and like naming their sons after themselves.  Admittedly, I am a fan of the idea of marrying some guy and having "Something Decent VIII", since if it has lasted that long, who am I to end the run?  But some men should only be the only one.  Like if your name is Francis Eugene (or something else you'd expect to be the name of some nerd in some movie).  Or, see any of the other issues, because if your Wrench Microphone, or Stephen A. Smith, then there doesn't need to a second.  Seriously!

Oh, and on a similarly related note, please don't give your kid a first name that fits into their last name.  Why, no, Mr. Johnson, you don't need a son named John. :P

Initials

For the love of all things holy, please know what initials you are giving your kid before you actually name them permanently!  I have friends who luckily dodged a bullet when they changed their kid's name so her initials wouldn't be PMS.  And I totally knew a guy whose initials were A.S.S.  Nobody wants that.  Because odds are, someday your kid will have a school project where their initials and/or middle name is made public, and oh the terrible teasing that will commence.

Famous People/Fictional Character Names

This issue I am not so much against, as just advising some prudence.  There are plenty of actors, important people, and cool fictional characters that would provide great kid names.  For example, I heard of a kid named Lennon.  Super cool!  And let's be honest, although I will tell my future sons Elijah and Dean that those are totally family names (they are), I may not admit that there are named so because I love Elijah Wood and Dean Winchester.  I will have to openly admit to my future daughter Veronica that, way yes, in fact, she was named after Veronica Mars.  But no, her middle name won't be Mars.  That would be TOO FAR!  

But, like I said, there must be caution.  I think it's a safe bet that naming your kid Benjamin Franklin Whatever would be fine, but maybe don't go with naming your kid after someone whose popularity is rather new.  To all those babies named Cullen, I have only one thing to say... I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry.  One day, they will be ridiculed for being named after a stupid sparkly vampire from some terribly written books, and I feel sad for them.  Also, maybe avoid naming kids after uniquely named musicians/actors, just in case they do something really bad later on.  I wonder if in the early '00's someone named their kid Lohan.  That would be hilarious. ;^)

Oh, and let's completely avoid fictional characters with out there names.  Somewhere a child was named after the main character of Skyrim.  That child was hated from birth, or at least loved less than its parent's video games.  I love video games too, but I will never have little baby Ratchet, or Sora.  Although, Umbrella Corp. Jones would make a GREAT name. (Jk!).  Also, The Doctor does not make a great human name either.

That reminds me, too.  If you have a last name of a famous character, don't give your kid the 1st name.  We don't need some poor kid named Harry Potter to face all THAT drama in school.  And do the world a favor and GOOGLE any potential name.  You may think Michael is a cute name, Mrs. Boulton, but I doubt in the future your kid will.  Or let's say the Morgans think Dexter is a really cute name.  Ummm, not unless you want other people to ask him (or her) about all the serial killing.  Really, you can't be too care.  Your child's future is at sake.

Last Bit of Advice

I am sure that I could think of more issues (or more terrible real life names), but for now, I think I have left you with enough specifics.  But here's some general advice.  Before you give your kid a name, tell it to as many people as you can.  More specifically, tell it to someone like me.  We all know at least one person with a quick wit who can think of all sorts of mean play on words and dirty jokes in the blink of an eye.  Give the name to that person and let them think on it.  If they cannot come up with too many things, especially right off the bat, then your fine.  But if within minutes they've come up with a list of jokes a mile long, maybe it's time to rethink.  Because if you don't tell them the name before, you'll have to deal with all the jokes later, AFTER the name belongs to your child.