But Really, Why Talk When No One Ever Listens?

***NOTE: Please don't read this if you honestly don't care.  This is for me, not for you.  I'd rather you keep your unconcern out of my business.***

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I hate days like today - those days when I just feel crappy on the inside and I want to talk about, or worse, people see it on my face and ask about it.  What I hate even more is that one of the biggest lessons I have learned in life is to not talk about your feelings, because 99.99% of the time, it's not worth it.

This is a crap dilemma to be in, too, because supposedly talking about things is supposed to make you feel better.  Maybe that is true in the abstract, but in my case I find it difficult to find someone to talk to that actually doesn't make me feel worse.

The problem is a lot of people don't get it.  People who have never lived with body chemistry that's an ass hole just don't get how it feels.  And they don't even try to understand.  They just don't grasp how some days, for no reason at all, or few a bunch of stupid reasons, I just am in a bad place emotionally.  Sometimes just sending an email, having to deal with too many people, or even just running late can just tear me apart inside.  And then suddenly the panic takes over, and my breathing is restricted, my heart pounds, I impulsively move my hands, and murmur stuff like "I hate my life" and "kill me now" all w/o really wanting or meaning to.  The panic just takes over and my body just does it.

It's not like I can't control it eventually.  Most of the attacks I have (which can be as often as a few times a week) are pretty small.  I know to take deep breaths, and I try to listen to music to center me.  I am also really (almost scarily so) at holding it all in when other people come around because I don't want them to know.

And I hate that.  I hate that when I am having a terrible time, and I need some relief, that it inevitably gets worse because I have to deal with other people.  Here's me: I get like this sometimes, and it sucks, and yeah maybe I dwell on things that happened in the past, or I worry too much.  But it's not like I want to do this.  I know objectively and rationally that the negativity I feel does not reflect the truth of me.  I know that I am being over taken by panic.  But what I don't need is the judgement.  What I need is for someone, finally, to just @#%$ing listen.

Because the problem is, it never ends.  I have been like this for as long as I can remember, and as it's the way I was born, to some extent this will be my life forever.  And I have had to learn the hard way that I have to hold a lot of it in because many people, many of them people I care about a lot, just don't get and can't.  I do have some people that I can open up to, but it's never really been all the way because I learn bit by bit that most people can't be trusted to get it.  Even now, with some friends I am becoming better pals with, I am building up walls around parts of me because they've shown they can be trusted to give me the support and the understanding that I need.

It sucks so bad.  I am literally sitting here thinking of friends that I have had in the past that got it, but that aren't close to me anymore.  I have a friend, when we were in high school, was so understanding of when I felt like this (even when I didn't understand it then as I do now).  She always knew how to be supportive and make me feel that someone cared.  I had a best friend in college, whom I had a big falling out with like 7 years ago.  I just think I've finally mourned the loss of that relationship, because no matter how badly it ended or how difficult she could be, I could always feel safe opening up to her.

I just wish sometimes that people really knew how hard it is, and hard it's been.  If people really knew, really understood, I'd hope they'd see just how much of a trooper I am really am.  I handle this way better than I ever had before.  I went through the terrible phase, then I went through the seclusion/get it together phase, and I think now I am on the second phase of just figuring out how to do the day to day with what I know about me and what I have to carry with me.  And I just wish people knew that.  And I wish they knew that sometimes it gets too tough, and it takes so much to just get over it, alone and in the right way.

And maybe part of that is my fault, because I can't put it on the line and open up at the risk of everything falling apart.  But I think I am ready, at least for myself, to start putting parts of the past into words.  That way, I can keep it to know where I've been, but stop carrying it around.  Although, it would be lighter if I could get some help carrying the burden.

I've Got Issues Stuck in My Head

So, I'm thinking the title of this post is misleading...aaaaaaaaand it may have been on purpose.  See, by "Issues" I mean this awesome band that I love, and so by "Stuck in My Head" I mean I have their various songs playing in my head.  And I've got the music stuck in my car stereo, and stuck on my iPod.  It's amazing how many times I've listen to the music in the last 2-3 months.

I love new music.  I am always on the listen to add something new to my music collection, whether it's a new band, or an old band, or an old band's new album.  And even though many people may not share my musical tastes, I think they can understand the sentiment.  I discover bands in different ways.  For example, I like to buy compilation albums for genres I like and I follow Alternative Press (love them!!).

And that's basically how I discovered Issues.  The first time I heard them (I only realized later) was on the 2013 released Punk Goes Christmas.  They did an exceptional cover of "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays."  As a '90s boy band aficionado, and a huge N'SYNC fan, I thought this was pretty epic.  And I like the other little song snippet they threw in there for flavor.  (My cousin/roommate caught it and thought it was awesome).  Take a listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hpx2iJfy554

Now, after hearing this, I thought for sure that I had heard some of their other music before.  With the number of compilation songs I get, it sometimes becomes hard to remember the artist and song title for all the random songs.  But when I actually checked my music collection, turns out I didn't know any of their other music.  I had only heard about them and how awesome they are from following AP.

It turns out that it's pretty obvious I hadn't heard anything else by them, b/c if I had I would have been "OMG, I NEED this music" much sooner.  AP released their Most Anticipated Music of the Year issue, so of course I got it.  I wanted to see who I know is releasing music in 2014, and who I may need to try out b/c they're awesome enough to be in the issue.  And in this issue was Issues.

At that point I realized I just had to check them out iTunes.  This was in January, before their full length album release when there was only the Black Diamonds EP and a couple other songs.  I admit, I was a little hesitant at first, because I was only just recently coming around to liking an extreme mix of the loud rock w/ other genres.  So, I was both curious and cautious about Issues' mix of metalcore w/ peppy, top 40s music.  But I came around to love soon enough, somewhere around track 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P9iakgFD7hI

Once I heard this song, I was pretty much hooked and had to buy all the songs!  And then once the full album came out I had to buy that too, sound unheard, which means a lot in Dayna music buying land, because I only buy music from a few select bands w/o listening to it first.  So, now I have enough song for a decent sized playlist and to get me all the way to work in the morning.

I love this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iK8qFw7pOD0
And even though most of the rest of the song doesn't pertain to me, I find the first couple of lines come to mind lately. >_<  Same sentiment with this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTvcW_s0FCo

And the first single is pretty epic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nn55oxf6gCg
I love how it's very loud, and then gets the R&B break down toward the end.  And this one is a kind of guilty pleasure: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSRalkLkWjY
I can't decide when I drive with the windows down if I want to turn the volume down or up. Muahaha.

In my quieter, more introspective moments, I find myself asking "Dear sad ghost, why'd you put your heart on a shelf."  That's pretty darn poignant, if you ask me. *sigh* Aaaaaaaaand now I have that last video song in my head.  On that note...

The Only Thing to Fear...

I think it's interesting the thoughts that lead to me actually taking the time to write something down.  Like how just now I suddenly got inspiration, just from doing what I've been doing all day - thinking about yesterday.

Yesterday wasn't particularly special, except that it's one of the rare days when the whole department gets together in one place for a meeting.  I like it b/c I get to see people I don't talk to very often.  We're a great bunch of people.

While there yesterday, I was asked by one of our newer coworkers about one of our previous meetings - where I was asked by our head honcho get up in front of everyone and sing.  I'm not really a singing in public kind of person.  Even my closest friends and family don't hear me sing very often, b/c I get super anxious about it and only sing alone.

So, she asked me how I could do it, get in front of a large group of people and sing.  I of course said it was b/c the boss asked and I couldn't say no.  And yes, that's part of the answer - he's a great leader and I wanted to be down for mixing it up a little and showing off some talent.  But thinking about it just now, I realized there's something more to it.  It's really more about me and how I deal with fear.

Okay, so maybe it's not so much fear.  I think of fear more as scary crap like watching horror movies or walking to your car late at night w/ sketchy people around.  Really, it's more nerves or anxiety.  That's really what it is, right?  Like stage fright - that's anxiety.  Or maybe not for everyone.  I just know for me I have anxiety, and for me that "fear" is just my anxiety being a douche.

The thing is that I get anxious over a LOT of things.  Examples would be talking to new people, taking on a new task, being put on the spot, flying, even that moment when the green light has been green too long and it could turn red and I'm neither far enough away to easily nor close enough to run a yellow safely.  And you can definitely add singing in front of anyone to that list.  I even get really nervous in front of just a couple close friends.

But when it comes to anything that makes me anxious, no matter how diverse and expansive the list of things is, I deal with the anxiety in one way.  Okay, part of that way is freaking out beforehand.  I'll admit it - I spend a lot of time before something new (or during it when alone) just worrying the crap about it.  I can't help it.  As much as my anxiety can be a psychological thing, a lot of it is physiological.  Sometimes my body just reacts anxiously w/o asking what I'm doing mentally.  I've been completely logically fine with something while my body freaks out.  :P

And with that happening, the worrying and jitters and hearting pounding and throat constricting, I could easily just say screw it, and never do anything.  But I don't.  As much as I hate my anxiety, and as much as it drives me crazy, I fight it every step of the way.  I know from lots of experience that things usually don't turn out as bad as I worry they will.  And often then turn out well.  I have faith in what I can do, and the hardest part really is just pushing myself past the anxiety and just do whatever it is.  There have even be times when I pushed past and it sucked.  But the next time I just try again and I found overcoming anxiety when I've already had a bad experience feels even better than overcoming anxiety in the face of the unknown.

So, how did I get in front of a large group of coworkers and sing?  I did it the way I do a lot of things - I did it the same way I started a new job in unfamiliar field - I just showed up and did it.